Rush
by Jezikial
Summary: Bella is a vampire who can't stand killing humans but is forced to by her Sire Aro. She flees Voltera with only her instincts and the small shred of sanity that she has left. Can Alice fix a broken and destroyed vampire or is Bella's past too much? A/B
1. Prelude

Hello! This is only the second fic that I have written and is my very first twilight fic. This story is far from the canon plot and also contains several non canon pairings. Alice/Bella and maybe more girl/girl or boy/boy. Well I hope you like it, please let me know how you feel about it and what I could do better. I am very much open to criticism so throw it at me!

Disclaimer: I do not own twilight...if I did...I would be sitting on a beach in Hawaii with the Cullens sipping on cocktails and wearing shades from their sparkly glare. Hence no, Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters.

Prelude

"Stand, Isabella." His skin was transparent, though he was anything but fragile. His tone was laced with authority yet a softer, more pained expression adorned his face. Where pride once shone in his eyes when he looked upon his protégée, Aro could now only show disappointment. The disappointment of losing. The disappointment of wasted potential.

The girl, fragile and innocent in her appearance, knelt on the marble floor before her sire. Shame filled her crimson eyes.

"I am not worthy my Lord."

Aro took one step toward her and knelt on one knee, facing the girl. Placing two fingers beneath her chin, he tilted her head to meet her gaze.

"Isabella, no matter the place I hold for you in my heart, you will obey my orders." His voice did not waver. He remained calm, without raising the volume of his words. His position in the Volturi alone was enough to intimidate even the most defiant of subjects.

"Yes sir." Bella's reply was timid. At that moment, she appeared as nothing more than a fragile teenager. Her long, silked brown hair cascaded down her back and framed her fair complexion. Full lips, almost as deep a shade of red as her eyes; the eyes of a killer. As if the colour and intensity of her eyes was not enough, her long, dark lashes added to her appeal. These eyes alone could draw forth unsuspecting prey, luring them into a sense of comfort, only to be stripped of their lives; their blood drained, shucking soul from body.

Bella stood, slowly and gracefully, matching time with her sire till they both stood face to face; a silent battle raging between them. Aro drew in a deep, unneeded breath as he appraised his work. His fondness for the girl did not go unnoticed by all who knew him. Some would say that he was captivated by the girl, but this love, this pride was not enough to compensate for what a colossal disappointment she had been to him.

He thought back to the day, almost five years ago that he had found her. Her potential radiated from her even when she was a mere human. Her blood sang to him yet his curiosity was far more intense and succeeded in the end. And he was right, on most accounts except one. Isabella Swan made a remarkable vampire, as expected. However there was one vital fault that prevented her from fulfilling Aro's expectations. She was incredibly strong, incredibly fast and intelligent. Her loyalty to Aro and to the volturi was unwavering. Her 'gifts' as a human were only exaggerated when she was turned, creating one of the most powerful vampires in current existence. But for all of her attributes, Bella's refusal to feed on human blood was enough to make her a shame to the Volturi. Aro had tried and failed. He had worshipped the ground she walked on and treated her as a daughter. He was partial to a challenge and what a challenge she had been. Only in the end, she could never equate to who he wanted her to be.

"Bella, I have an offering for you. Surely your hunger must be ravaging you by now. How you have managed to tame the beast within is beyond me. I refuse to watch you wither away any longer. I refuse to have my hospitality disgraced!" The lack of response was now frustrating him. Bella knew all the buttons that would push her 'father' to the limit.

When she refused to respond to him, only silently holding his gaze, Aro snapped his fingers to a servant on his left. Moments later a Volturi guard entered, restraining a girl who writhed and fought in his grip. The girl looked no older than seventeen, the age that Bella had been five years ago before her mortality was distinguished. The whimpers coming from the girl caused Bella to cringe and turn away from the sight. She was indebted to Aro, she owed him her life. She loved him like a father and wanted to please him but no matter how hard she tried, she could not bring herself to relish in taking human life. Of course the blood sang to her and she struggled to keep the blood lust at bay, but the thought of ending a life for her own survival caused Bella immense pain.

She had tried to resist the urge within. She had even gone as far as starving herself, causing her to become no more than a shell, existing in this world as a weak and sorry excuse of a vampire. At other times, she had manage to make her way out of volterre to feast on the blood of animals, much to the disgust of her father. However on some occasions her strength wavered and she gave in to the temptation. She relented under the pressure of her father, fighting the shame and guilt within her conscience.

The girl was now before her, held tightly in the arms of a volturri guard. Bella tried to resist the urge to look at her. If the blood was causing her this much pain now, the visual stimulation would be enough to tip her over the edge. Aro, in his attempt to make Bella conform to his ways, tried many different methods. After much experimentation, Aro found Bella's weakness. The sexual component of the hunt that was instinctual to all vampires was as equally tempting as the blood itself. Aro offered Bella countless young, attractive men with no result. It was only when he began changing his tactics did he realise what could tempt Bella. This was something that she had tried to hide from the Volturi, lest they use it to their own advantage. It was not out of shame of her sexual preference, vampires did not dwell on petty insignificant details in the way that humans did. No, the reason that she fought so hard to hide this information from Aro was because she knew that he could use it against her.

The scent of the girl filled Bella's lungs as she tried to stop breathing.

"Look at her Isabella." Aro stated plainly. "Look at her!" He was growing impatient with her defiance. Slowly Bella's gaze lifted to survey the girl before her. She was slightly shorter than Bella, with a dark olive complexion and light sand coloured hair. Her frame was slim; her clothing clung to her skin, revealing small portions of tanned flesh. Bella could taste the venom filling her mouth. The incessant burning filled the back of her throat as she surrendered to the blood lust and inhaled one deep, slow breath.

Bella's eyes were now a mixture of burgundy and black. Her previously scarlet eyes appeared as though black ink was dissolving into the pools of red, clouding the surface. She blinked for a moment longer than usual and when she opened them, all traces of red had vanished. Her conscience receded to the background as the beast within shone in her eyes. All rational thought was lost in that moment and Aro knew that all she needed was encouragement.

"Yes Isabella. Take her, as is your right. Take what you hunger for my daughter." He placed a hand on her back, slowly pushing her forward. Following the momentum, Bella closed the gap between herself and the girl, reaching out her left hand to cup her face. In one swift movement, her hand was tangled in blonde locks, pulling her neck ever closer to her mouth. Venom continued to flood her mouth, trickling down the back of her throat, soothing the burning with the promise of something much more satisfying. The girl continued to whimper in fear but whatever trace of conscience remained within Bella was now pushed well beneath the surface. The sounds only spurred on the monster, fuelling the hunger and lust that could only be quenched by her blood. Sharp, ivory teeth touched the delicate skin that covered the rapidly pulsing jugular. Within seconds the frenzy had begun. Bella sank her teeth deep into her prey, venom pooling in her veins as she pulled the girl even closer, forcing her canine teeth further into the now lifeless neck. She could feel the heart rate slowing as she extinguished the life from the girl. The dying pulse matching the throbbing in her throat as both slowed and came to a halt. The lifeless body in her arms was pale, a drop of blood remarkably shaped like a tear ran down her neck, across the collar bone down to her chest, staining the crisp white shirt of her victim.

Bella surveyed her prey, the ink black fading, returning her eyes to vibrant red. The room remained silent, Aro stood in awe of his creation.

_Oh god. What have I done? __**Why do you care? This was yours to take. You would put the survival of some..., some human above your own life? Above your own right to exist? **__No! She was someone's daughter, someone's family, someone's love. She was a life, a life that I took! __**She is not worthy of your compassion my dear. You have quenched your thirst have you not? Did it feel good? I know the answer to that one already, I can feel it. You need more, relish in this feeling. **__No! Stop! Fuck! What have I done? Run...I need to run...need...to...leave...need to die..need to hurt, to suffer...need to pay...I need pain...I deserve it...I need to be...gone._

And with that, Bella ran, her chest heaved as she sobbed tears that she would never shed. She didn't care where, she simply ran. Out of Voltera and into the wild where she belonged.

**So that is the prelude to this story. Bella is a complete mess but her story will be ironed out in further chapters. Please review and let me know your thoughts :D**


	2. Swell

Hello! So this is my first chapter which will give a little more insight into the link between Bella and Alice and how crazy Bella is. I hope you like it, let me know yeah?

Disclaimer: I do not own twilight...if I did then I would not be writing this little piece of meh. I do however enjoy taking Stephanie Meyers characters out for a date and keeping them company.

Chapter one: Swell

**APOV**

_A slim figure stood on the edge of a cliff. Her feet bear on the grey stone as she watched the ocean deliver wave after pounding wave into the rocks below. Her slow breathing matched the current, inhaling at the water receded and exhaling as it came barrelling down upon the sand. It was dark, too dark to make out any details of her face. Her hair was brown, almost black in this light. Her eyes were closed, seemingly asleep if it were not for the fact that she was standing. Her clothing was dishevelled, loosely fitted, torn jeans hung from her hips, showing a small line of white porcelain skin below her shirt. A belt was threaded through the loops however more for show than for holding the pants in place. In better condition, these jeans could have been expensive, designer brand perhaps; showing that this girl had come from a life of expense, or that the jeans were in fact stolen. A black singlet sat tight against her body, revealing her toned stomach, clinging to her small, rounded breasts. Her hair was moving with the wind, it appeared far too cold for someone to stand with such little clothing however she did not tremble. _

_As the picture starts to become clearer, the details of her face can now be seen. She has full lips that in a better circumstance would be a luscious red. Slowly, the figure opened her eyes, showing deep gold iris's encircled by a thick red ring. Then, with the slightest flex of her muscles, the girl was gone, diving with grace to the ocean surface hundreds of feet beneath her. The water barely rippled as she entered, causing only a minimal splash. _

_Minutes passed and the girl did not surface. There was no evidence that this girl had existed at all. _

"Carlisle?" I had to speak with him, I had the vision of _her _again. Since the first vision almost three months ago, this girl has been in the back of my mind, gracing me with her presence when my visions see fit.

"Alice what is it?" My father paced into our lounge room, concern on his face; that loving fatherly warmth in his eyes. I slowed my breathing and closed my eyes for a brief moment.

"I saw her again." I would need to elaborate further but this was as much of an explanation that I could give at the time. My visions of her left me mentally drained. True, vampires had endless reserves of energy, turning us into the ultimate killing machine, but out emotions still had their limits.

"Hmmm." Carlisle nodded slowly, bringing his hand to his chin in thought. "Alice tell me what you saw this time." His voice was gentle, caring. I explained to him what I saw and after a moment he sat, a pensive look on his face.

"Alice it seems that there is some link between you and the girl, for you to be having so many visions of her. Perhaps this could be linked to the same visions that you had five years ago. Does this girl resemble the girl from then? Perhaps these visions are linked to your guilt of not saving her in time. Each vision you have of her seems to show that she is intent on harming herself, a very strange concept for a vampire however still possible." I knew that Carlisle was right. In most of my visions she was hurting herself physically. True, vampires cannot really be harmed and to kill one is difficult but we do feel pain. We may not scar but we can be damaged and suffer the consequences during the minimal amount of healing time.

"Alice I think that whatever you decide to do, we need to tread carefully with this girl. She seems very unstable and we have no idea what she may have been through. We also do not know what she is capable of." Again, he was right. It took everything inside of me to not run and try to find her. Rational thought told me how insane that idea would be. She was a fellow vampire and most probably not one inclined to our...dietary choices. She also appeared to be completely and utterly crazy. But rationale thought was never my strong point. Something drew me to her. From the first vision I had I was captivated. No matter what she had done in the past, I wanted to know her. I wanted to shield her and protect her and make her pain disappear. Looking back on this moment, the idea of me, of anyone shielding her is preposterous.

I don't know what it was that drew me toward her. I had no name, no information to go on. All I had was the feeling I get when I see her. There was one vision in particular that concerned me the most. Part of me hoped that it would happen, while the rest of me fretted about the implications of such. I was drawn to her and if like in my vision I had the chance, I would make her mine, no matter what the consequences were. This primal need within me drove my choices. Was it lust? Was it deeper, could it be love? All I knew was that I had no choice. No matter the consequences, I know that I would not have the strength to refuse her. Does that make me masochistic? Perhaps. I would say yes. I could tell that she would cause me pain, I just hoped that it would be worth it. In all my years I had never truly given myself to another. I had my family and I loved them, but I had thought myself incapable of ever being able to truly love another, in the way that Carlisle and Esme, Emmet and Rose and Jasper and Edward did. So maybe this girl is insane, the question is whether I am as well.

**Review? Pleeeeeaaase? Tell me what you think, I can take it really. I hope it is not too horrible, if it is, pretty please let me know why. 3**


	3. Rush

Hello! Well this is chapter two and since it is on Bella's side of the world, it is rather insane...insane in the crazy unstable kind of way, not the kind of way that I would use in conversation meaning how awesome something is. I have a song featured which I had in my head when writing this chapter so if you stream it and listen to it you might know what I am getting at. It is Don't Rush by the insanely hot band Tegan and Sara. Please review and tell me your thoughts...I hope it is not too terrible. Please don't hate me :S

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, I leave the multimillion dollar making up to Stephanie Meyer.

Chapter two: Don't Rush

_Don't block, bad idea, you've been so good I hear, don't rush.  
Don't move, bad idea, you've been so still, I'm here for you don't rush._

One way or another, I'll find my way to cover,  
I sing to find my other, sing to find my...  
One way my lovely other, they find restless cover, you sing to another, sing to find your...

Don't leave, bad idea, you've been so far so long, don't rush.  
Don't run, bad idea, you move so fast, I need to rush.

One way or another, I'll find my way to cover,  
I sing to find my other, sing to find my...  
One way my lovely other, they find restless cover, you sing to another, sing to find your...

One way or another, I'll find my way to cover,  
I'd love to find my other, love to find you.  
One way my lovely other, they'll find restless cover, you've loved so many others.

One way to erase bad ideas, well I won't see you once you arrive.  
One way to escape bad ideas, well I won't cry to you, not that you would mind.

One way to erase bad ideas, well I won't see you once you arrive.  
One way to escape bad ideas, well I won't cry to you, not that you would mind.

One way or another, I'll find my way to cover,  
I sing to find my other, sing to find my...  
One way my lovely other, they find restless cover, you sing to another, sing to find your...

One way or another, I'll find my way to cover,  
I'd love to find my other, love to find you.  
One way my lovely other, they'll find restless cover, you've loved so many others.

**Chapter Two: Rush**

**BPOV**

_Run. Survive. Kill. Feed. Run. Kill. Pain. Need pain..._

_**Need blood**__..._

_No! _

_**No? But she smells utterly delicious...maybe we could just try one...little...bi-**_

_NO!_

Then everything went dark and I sat on the concrete floor. I could hear her whimpers from the corner of the warehouse; I could make out her small frame trembling in the dark.

"Please, please let me go. I'll do anything just don't...don't kill me, please." She pleaded, tears running down her cheeks. I have no fucking idea how I got here, or how this girl ended up here with me. I have no idea what I have done to her. I can only imagine. This is my life story, well, the story of my existence at least. Just when I think that everything is getting better, I come back to my senses in some abandoned building or alley way, having no recollection of time ranging from ten minutes to even twelve hours. Sometimes I'm too late; I would come to with blood on my hands, the monster within me smug with victory.

I walked over to her, slowly as not to push her further into a paranoid state.

"You need to go. Run. Get out of here." I couldn't stay and be gentle with her. She needed to get away from me before it was too late and I killed her.

"Stop messing with me! I'm not running so that you can chase me again. I know you will catch me you sadistic bitch." She spat the last word in my direction. Fuck, what have I done?

"Look...I-I'm sorry, I know that doesn't help but I really am. You need to go, I won't follow you and I won't hurt you again but you need to hurry, I can't control it for much longer." I looked straight into her eyes that were so full of fear. She was still trembling, afraid to move, too afraid to trust me. Then her scent hit me and I could see the blood running down her leg. "You need to go. Run, now!" And with that, she stood up and gingerly walked toward the exit. I heard her pick up pace as her shoes belted the pavement. I sighed in relief before collapsing into a conscious trance filled with dry sobs and a tangle of memories.

"_Bella...Do you love me?" She lay on the rug covered floor, a silk sheet covering her._

"_Love?" I scoffed. Someone such as herself knew nothing about love._

"_Mhm. Do you? I mean...I know you love fucking me." I turned to look at her, disgusted with myself for making this mistake again. _

"_What would you want with love?" I stated with little emotion. She almost looked hurt, __**almost.**_

"_Bella, I may be a sadistic bitch but I still have needs you know. You really shouldn't talk to me like that. I may not be able to hurt you Bella but that won't stop me hurting others on your behalf. That is, if you were to continue question me." I sighed. That sly bitch. I looked straight into her eyes, a haunted smile on my face._

"_Well my dear, lucky for you, I don't do love. Do what you wish to who you wish, you will anyway." I only hoped that she would call my bluff. She laughed, that evil, soulless laugh of hers. _

"_You will one day my dear. And when you do..." She trailed off laughing at some inside joke of hers. _

**So there is chapter two, a little peek into what Bella is going through and some insight into her memories. Top marks if anyone can guess who the mystery lover is at the end of the chapter. Please don't hate me too much for making your adorable protagonist into a psycho...she won't be forever and she really is good deep down. Please review and tell me what I can do better. **


	4. Weight

Hello! Well I am completely and utterly shocked at the response to this story. I checked my emails about twelve hours after I had posted the first three chapters and had seventy emails from ...so yeah I was a little more than excited!

Thank you all so much for your reviews and alerts and even a few favourites (which I really did not expect). I replied to every review personally but depending on how busy I get I may just mention them in my chapter notes in the future. Oh all except for Gemini2307 who was an anonymous reviewer: I really appreciate your kind words.

Oh and congrats to those of you who guessed my mystery lover from chapter two...it must have been more obvious than I thought. This chapter reveals it...I was going to keep it secret but since so many of you figured it out I thought I would just let it out anyway. I'm sorry to those who hoped it was Victoria but there is a reason for this which you will find out soon. And I am insanely sorry that this is such a bad pairing...I know it is a weird one but kind of necessary.

I wrote this chapter sitting waiting to see my doctor; typing furiously...I hope it is alright! Happy reading.

Edit: I had a few errors that were kind of important so I have replaced this chapter and edited them out.

**Chapter 3: weight**

**APOV**

I had been in a sullen mood for weeks after my last vision of _her._ I wracked my brain, trying to understand why she would be hurting herself, why she was in such pain and what I could do to help. It was Carlisle's suggestion that led me to where I am now.

"_Alice do you think that this girl could be the same girl from five years ago?" I had never underestimated his intelligence. His hunch was right, although part of me did not want to admit that._

"_She looks different Carlisle...but yes, I think it is her." All this time I had thought that she was dead, extinguished. Well her human life had ended but it seems that this amazing creature was now a haunted, pained vampire. Carlisle simply nodded in understanding. We were silent for a few minutes._

"_Perhaps you could do some research into who she is. I know that this is immensely painful for you sweetheart but it may help you when you do actually meet her face to face." He was right, it was painful, but it was also necessary. I needed to find out who this girl was so that I could help her. _

In some ways I felt responsible for her. It was my vision all those years ago that drew me toward her. It was that vision five years ago that has haunted me since. It was my fault that she was like this. It was my fault that she was hurt, because I failed to save her. I have this gift, this sight and yet I still could not prevent what happened.

But there was more to her than simply a connection formed out of guilt. As soon as her image flooded my mind, she could not be erased. She was stunningly beautiful and the look in her eyes pulled at the strings of my still heart. I had never felt this way in all my years. It was possible that I had found someone in my human years, however it was doubtful. Being sent to an asylum as a teenager in the late 1800's didn't seem to be an attractive quality in a potential wife. It also didn't exactly leave me much time to find love.

So I did my research. I found out who she was and what happened before I arrived at her house; too late to save her. I found some information and now I had a name. I had suspected that it was her when the story of Chief Swan's death flooded the media, but I refused to read the articles; refused to know anything about the girl I had lost before I even had a chance to know her. So now I had a name and a story. Isabella Swan. The media had their story of the tragedy but with the help of my visions, I was able to piece together what really happened. There was one vital part of the story however that neither I nor the media knew. What happened to Isabella Swan after her father was killed? I knew where I needed to be and thanks to my gift, I knew when I needed to be there.

BPOV

Without even realising it, I had made my way into Washington. Subconsciously I knew that this was my reason for my plane trip from Italy to the United States of America, but since I was running on instinct most of the time, I had barely realised. To be specific I was in Port Angeles, not far from where this all began; from my father's home in Forks. Call me a masochist but I needed to get back there, no matter how much the memories would kill me. I was drawn out of my thoughts by the cringe worthy chatter of a group of humans.

"Ohmygod, like, this dress is like _so_ gorgeous, what do you think babe?" There were four of them walking toward me from about a mile away. There were two males and two females and it appeared that these words came from one of the girls who clung to the arm of one of the guys.

"Um...Yeah Jess it is...um...great." His tone was flat and he showed the enthusiasm of someone who had put up with this girl for far too long.

As they approached, their chatter continued with talk of materialistic items and boring human trivia.

"Whoa. Um, hi there. You know a pretty girl like you _really_ shouldn't be standing alone in town at night by herself. We were just headed to our car if you wanted a lift?" The blonde one spoke up, looking at me with irritating puppy dog eyes. Oh how predictable. Of course you want me. I am a vampire, there is nothing about me that is unattractive...well apart from the fact that I am a monster.

"Ohmygod Mike, you can't just like, invite weirdo's into our car." This was the same one from before, the one that he referred to as Jess. I couldn't help but flash her an empty grin. I think even if I were not a monster I would enjoy killing her. No, what am I thinking, I could never enjoy killing anyone.

_**Come on do it, it could be fun...**_

_No._

_**Come on...take the annoying one...no one will miss her.**_

_No. I can't._

_**What's the point in having all this power if you don't even use it.**_

_I said no! _

"Look, thanks for the ride, but somehow I think I'm worse than most things out here tonight." I turned on my heel and ran. I could hear the puppy dog call after me but I was gone before he could finish his sentence. Silly humans, especially the males, they think that they are so strong, so fast, so powerful. How naive.

It seems that all I do is run. Would I spend eternity running from my past? No. It would always be here, haunting me, tempting me to regress. There was only one way to fill the void inside of me that my past had caused and that was to replace emotional pain with physical pain. But even that did not last. I mean, I am immortal and pretty much indestructible but still...ten seconds of pain was worth it. But no matter how much I numbed the pain, the raw truth was always in the back of my mind.

I.

Am.

A.

Monster.

So I continued to run at full speed as my memories taunted me. I couldn't escape them and really, did I even deserve to?

"_You know Bella I really don't mind if you don't kill him. It just means that I will get to have some more fun." Fuck. You. She had me. If I didn't kill him quickly and painlessly then she would do it and knowing Jane, it would be long, drawn out and creative. Not to mention incredibly painful. But he was just a kid, what was he ten, eleven years old? And in front of his parents? Fuck. _

_**Do it. You want this. We. Want. This. **_

_N-no! He is just a boy, he is someone's son, he has his life ahead of him!_

_**All the more reason to enjoy it. You were built for this. You are a predator and he is nothing but prey. Stop over thinking this. He is human, not a son, not a life but a human! He is dinner! **_

_I can't - _

_His screams broke my internal monologue. He was on the floor, writhing in pain as his parents tried to comfort him, pleading, yelling at her to stop the pain. Jane was concentrating hard, causing as much pseudo pain as she could inflict; the corners of her lips lifted into a sadistic smile. I lunged at her then, breaking her concentration long enough to give him some reprieve. She knew that she could not match me in strength but she also knew that I would never destroy her. _

"_You know you can save him Bella. You have the power to stop his pain!" She choked the words out between attacks. She was right. What other choice did I have? I released her and she knew that she had won. _

"_Now Bella, take what is yours...and enjoy it!" The expression on her face could be misinterpreted as happiness, but I knew her too well to know that happiness was not an emotion she felt. Ever. _

_**Blood. Need blood. Kill. Take...what's...mine.**_

The memories flooded my mind as my legs moved of their own accord. Run. Jump. Move. Run. Speed. Blood. Run. Tears threatened my eyes and if I didn't know better, I would have thought it were possible for me to cry. Oh how I wished that I could cry. I deserved to spend eternity showering in my own tears.

Run. Jump. Run. Fast. Move. Blood. RUN!. Move. Jump.

If my heart were still alive, it would be pounding by now. My natural inclination to breathe was evident in my heaving chest. I didn't need to breathe but I preferred to. My senses were bombarded by numerous amazing smells. I could smell the pine from the forest, it was almost a cold kind of smell to my senses. I could smell human food from the surrounding houses. I could smell animals, wild and domestic. The strongest scent that fills my mind however was blood.

**Blood. It could be yours. All you need to do is-**

No. Calm... Down. I need to relax, I need to quell the beast within. I need to follow through with this now, if I don't, well then I am a coward.

Standing across the street from me was a derelict building. This building used to be a home. It used to be the home of my family. It was where my family, or what was left of it, was taken from me...Taken by _them. _I hated them for what they did to me. This house was the only physical evidence that my family had existed; that he ever existed. If I had never come here, he would still be alive.

I.

Killed.

My.

Father.


	5. Guilt

Hello all! I would like to thank each and every one of you who has read, subscribed, favourite or reviewed my story. Big hugs to you all! I do have to apologise as my gorgeous brother 'in law' pointed out that I have made some pretty abrupt jumps in the story that are slightly confusing. The part at the end of one of the chapters about the mystery lover was in the past – not the future.

So just to clarify:

_Italics are either memories or visions after the prelude. If it is in BPOV then it is always a memory. If Alice then either a vision or memory but I will try to make it clear as to which at the specific time._

**Bold is Bella's thoughts – or to be more specific, the bold thoughts are the monster that she struggles to contain.**

Now, some have requested longer chapters so I have tried my best. Sorry this one kind of ends at a funny spot but I have to go out tonight and socialise with my family and wanted to put up what I had so far. Happy reading.

Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight, I am just playing with her characters for a while. I also do not own the lyrics below – The Reason, however do! Check them out! The song below is pretty close to the way Bella is feeling through most of this chapter. So, if you listen to the song as you read, it may help you understand her emotions.

Jx

**Chapter Four: Guilt**

This tongue in me won't sing, won't speak  
These lungs won't breathe  
And it's getting to me  
Those eyes can't see what's inside me  
They try, but they can't get it out  
And it burns  
And it permeates on the tip of my tongue  
Not a liar, though I wish I was one  
If I could sing these words, one thing  
It burns, it stings  
And it's moving through me  
So I decide to keep it inside  
Hold tight. Hold it 'til it's too late

(If My Tongue Could Talk – The reason)

BPOV

Charlie's house looked nothing like it had all those years ago. Blood. Dried and coagulated between the fibres of the carpet. It was everywhere. This blood was a symbol of my mistake. I was wrong. I should be dead. Not. Him...Me! Then I remembered Renee and Phil. My home in Phoenix had an eerie similarity to this one. The same markings left by detectives, the outline on the floor where my family were found, drained of their life. What time did I have to even get to know my own father? Three days? That was all it took before they found me. Three lousy, fucking days. I should have surrendered in Phoenix and he would be alive. His blood was on my hands and I was the only one to blame.

_I heard them crash through the door. Charlie and I had just come back from dinner. I needed to change that one fast, I'll start cooking tomorrow. If I am going to live here, I can't survive on steak and fries every night. I had been in a bad mood all day. Some would call it grief. Renee and Phil were dead and Charlie was the only one left. _

_As soon as they smashed the door in I knew he was dead. I could hear them downstairs and I couldn't move. I froze, rooted to the floor by my fear. They had found me. They killed Renee and Phil then followed me here to finish the job. What the fuck are these people? _

"_Victoria darling, look what we have here. A nice, little, entree, before we finish off the girl for dessert." I hated his sly tone. He was a cocky prick. I couldn't forget that evil grin of his. This was just a game to him. My life, was a game. _

_What happened next was a blur. I heard Charlie threaten them as he loaded his shot gun. I had to stop him, this would just make it worse. _

"_Bella, stop! Go back upstairs till I come get you!" I was halfway down the stairs. Charlie had his gun pointed toward the two...animals. They weren't at all worried. Victoria, the female looked toward me and winked, flashing her white teeth as she smiled at me. _

I was startled from my memories by a noise downstairs. I was now sitting in Charlie's room; the room that used to be his at least. I closed my eyes, forcing my ears and nose to concentrate. I could hear someone in the house. They were quiet, but not quiet enough for my sensitive hearing. Then my senses were bombarded with the most amazing scent I have ever experienced. It wasn't human, I couldn't smell the blood. There was only one creature that could be in this house with me and it was a vampire. It was none of the Volturi, I had their scents memorised. Whoever it was smelled amazing, I was almost entranced in that moment. If I could still stand the smell of human food I would compare the scent to strawberries and vanilla.

Concentrate.

**Run.**

Stay.

**Fight.**

**Kill.**

**Survive.**

I was torn. Anyone was a threat and I needed to escape. But that scent...I needed to know who it belonged to. I have never felt such a need...such a longing.

**Pathetic...Run. Fight. Kill.**

I made my way downstairs with stealth. A petite girl stood with her back turned. Her smell hit my senses as I got closer. She was radiant. Something about her was just so...pure and true. Her hair was short, cascading from her head, stopping just below her jaw. It was dark and although messy, looked completely perfect. Where the dark feathered hair ended, it contrasted with the pale skin of her neck. This creature was stunning. And for a vampire, that is saying something.

But...what the hell am I doing? I can't do this. I am a monster. No attachments. No friends. No family. Just me and my guilt. That is all I deserve.

APOV

The moment I stepped into the Swan house I could smell that she was there. My vision had led me here, it led me to her. She smelt exactly how I had imagined; like spring. Her scent was fresh and vibrant, a blatant contrast to her demeanour in my visions. The home looked the way it had the first time I saw her. Before the attack this must have been an incredibly cosy home. It was not extravagant and open like my own family's home. It was small and... comfortable. I remained quiet, the last thing I wanted to do was scare her off; not now that I had come this far.

I closed my eyes, searching my mind for a hint of how she would react. The only thing I could discover was that in a moment she would be standing atop the stairs. She seemed anxious, obviously frightened. I turned, knowing that it was now that she would be watching me. I could almost feel her eyes boring into my back.

I turned slowly - even for a vampire – and looked up at her. Her expression broke my heart. It was so full of sadness, of pain, anger, confusion and, perhaps fear.

"What do you want?" This was not in my vision. I saw her run away; she must have made the decision at the last minute and changed her mind. I remained silent for a moment. I had no idea what to say to her. I had imagined meeting her so many times now and I never expected that when I finally did, I would be speechless.

"Hello. I'm Alice. I believe you are Isabella?" True, I sounded ridiculous but I needed to start somewhere. She looked at me quizzically. Crap. She probably wonders why I know her name. She probably thinks I am some kind of crazy vampire stalker. I had to suppress a giggle at the thought; I pretty much _am_ a crazy vampire stalker.

"What's so funny?" Her tone was short. Crap! How am I going to get my way out of this? I am such a ditz. So blinded by my need to know her I rushed out of the house without telling my family where I was going. Now I had wandered into a building with a potentially insane vampire who is potentially a lot stronger than me.

"Ah, nothing. Sorry. Isabella, I was hoping that I could-"

"Bella. It's just Bella." She interrupted me, which was a good sign...I think.

'Right. Bella. Do you think we could chat? I promise you, I am not here to harm you." As soon as I finished she laughed. It wasn't the warm laugh of a person who is happy. It was the empty laugh of someone who had hit bottom and couldn't go any further. Clearly the idea of me harming her was preposterous. She shook her head, dissolving the grin.

"I believe you...since I am sure you couldn't even if you wanted to." She deadpanned. This girl is intimidating. Why does she have this affect on me?

"Can I-" I gestured toward the top step, insinuating my request. She didn't reply, simply shrugging her shoulders before sitting down. I am always amused when other vampires do such human actions. I guess it is mostly just habit. We could stand here for days and not be uncomfortable. I moved slowly up the stairs. She had a pained look on her face as though she was battling internally. I couldn't expect her to trust me. Not yet at least. I just hoped she wouldn't attack, or worse, run.

After I sat we were both quiet for a moment.

"How do you know my name?" She demanded more so than questioned. I knew this was coming. I took a large sigh before I began my confession.

"I-I...ah, I.." Crap. Breathe, Alice. Seriously. "I have the gift of sight and I have seen you. I have seen many visions of you Bella. And..." I went to continue but thought I had better wait. She needed a little time for this to sink in, or so I thought.

BPOV

Why am I still here? Why am I even listening to her? Why won't my legs just carry me away like they usually do? This girl is weird, but still, there is something fascinating about her.

"And...?" My vocabulary is significantly restricted right now. She sighed and a small smile crept over her lips. What an amazing smile. She. Is. Gorgeous... Shit. Focus!

"Well...I don't really know how to say this Bella but...I saw you. I saw you when those two vampires came here that day, when they killed your father. My family, we tried to save you but we were too late. He was already dead and you were..you were gone."

What. The. Fuck? She _saw _that? Even more shocking she actually _tried _to help us? She _wanted _to? Who is this chick? She's like...a saint or something. My face must have scared her because it seemed like she was starting to panic.

"Bella I'm so sorry. The vision came so fast that we just didn't have the time to get to you. I am so sorry. This was my fault entirely." Her head was in her hands. If I didn't know better I would say she was crying. There must be a catch. Is she setting me up? Did the Voluturi put her up to this to get their revenge on me? That wouldn't make sense. Aro would just come down here and kill me himself.

"I don't understand. Why do you even care? Why didn't you just leave us and let it happen anyway?" Why would a vampire want to help a _human? _This just made no sense. She seemed shocked at my words as she looked up at me. This was the first time that I had really looked at Alice, like _really_ looked at her. This was the moment that my entire world shattered. Her eyes were not red like all the other vampires that I had seen before. They were not even black like mine were now from starvation. No, they were gold; shimmering pools of liquid gold. Her eyes held so many emotions, it was too much for me to tolerate. All I wanted in that moment was to drown in her eyes and I would die happy, for once in my existence.

"When did you last feed?" She was serious. There was another look on her face, she seemed worried about _me. _That makes no sense.

"Um. Ah few weeks I guess...three, five maybe." I was so ashamed of needing to feed off a living creature just for my own survival. Every life I took reminded me of what a monster I am, that all vampires are monsters. But she is not a monster. She can't be, can she? How could a perfect goddess like herself be a monster? No. That doesn't fit. She has to be flawed.

"Bella! You need to hunt, you're going to waste away!" Whoa. What? She was so urgent. Why did she care what I did?

"No! You can't make me kill! I won't do it, not again!" My legs were working again now and I was standing, ready to take flight.

"Sshh it's alright, it's ok. I won't make you do anything you don't want to do. Just calm down and we can talk about this." She stood and encircled her arms around me. It was comforting and for the second time today I felt like I could drown in this girl, this stranger. No. I can't. This must be a trap. Before I could think about it I had pushed her away, running down the stairs and out of the house. I fled. My body took control and I slipped back into my usual routine. I ran.

Run. Faster. Jump. Move. Run! Go!

I didn't care where I went. I was running; away from my fears, my sins and most of all from _her._ They almost won. I almost lost myself in her. I was almost tempted to trust her. But I can't... can I?

"Bella wait!" She called after me. God she was fast, no one can ever match my speed. Or maybe I am just getting slow, what with a lack of feeding and all.

I felt like screaming, this internal battle within me was too much. Who the hell is this girl and why does she have this power over me? Fuck! I didn't even realise that in my confusion I had stopped running. Legs, you treacherous bastards, now of all times you decide to listen to my brain rather than instinct? Fuck. Me.

"Please, stop. I just want to talk to you. I know you don't trust me right now and I can't blame you for that but I _really_ need to speak to you Bella." She pleaded from only a few feet behind me.

No one has ever had such a power over me before. No one has ever been able to control me like this. Everything about her calls to me; her scent, her voice, her amazing looks...her sense of purity and calm. When I'm with her, I almost feel normal again; the way I did before all of _this._ Before my life became a messed up existence filled with death and guilt. There was something else as well, something that just made me _want_ to trust her, consequences damned. Screw it; let's throw caution to the wind. If she kills me, she kills me.

Wordlessly I turned to face her, her expression fading from desperation to joy. Not the sick kind of Joy that I always saw in Jane's eyes either. This was the kind of happiness that is untainted and true.

"I didn't mean to scare you Bella. But you really are wasting away." She looked down from my face to my body and suddenly, for the first time in my vampire years, I felt self conscious.

APOV

As I looked over her body I could see that her usually strong, perfect skin was littered with cuts and scars. For me or my family, a simple blade would not even mark the surface, let alone draw blood and wound us. I remember something Carlisle had told me about vampires when they refuse to feed. Apparently, although I can't really remember it very clearly, I was in a similar state when my family found me. As though she could read my thoughts she spoke.

"If I don't feed then it is easier to..." She gestured to her arms which were covered in deep wounds.

"But...why?" I didn't understand, why would such a beautiful person do this to themselves?

She hesitated, her face torn in apprehension. "I don't expect you to understand. A princess such as yourself wouldn't get it." Princess? Was she serious?

"Try me." It was abrupt but seriously, did I really come across as a naive and ignorant moron?

She reflected, looked lost within her thoughts and after some time she spoke.

"If I do this" She said, gesturing to the cuts. "Then it is easier to deal with this." She said, tapping her index finger to her temple. "The physical pain cuts out the memories. I know...I deserve to remember them but sometimes it is too much. If I hurt myself then I get some peace, at least for a while. The longer I go without blood, the worse my body can defend itself. It's messed up, I know." She looked down as she finished, clearly ashamed of herself. I risked scaring her and took a step forward.

"No. I understand." I spoke quietly. She needed to know that I was sincere, that I cared.

"No, you don't! You can't possibly understand! You have no idea what I have done, what I am! I've killed innocent people. I killed my own father!" She was yelling though it didn't scare me, she needed to get these feelings out before they consume her.

"Everyone makes mistakes Bella. I know there is good in you, I can feel it...Please, talk to me. What happened to you that day?" I needed to know her story. I wanted, no, I needed to help her. Bella explained to me what happened the day that her father was killed. It was just like my vision. The two vampires, James and Victoria were a pair. After they found Bella in Phoenix they started playing with her, taunting her. They killed her mother and step father before torturing her and letting her go. Social services had no other option but to send her here to Forks to be with her only immediate relative, her father Charlie. She protested. She tried; she knew that no matter where she went, they would follow her and hurt the ones she loved. Still, part of her hoped that she could get away from them and start anew here with her father.

Bella had only been in Forks three days when they came for her. It was exactly the same as in my vision, only my vision ended when Bella ran to the stairs to protect her father.

"Bella, sweetie, none of this was your fault. You had no choice." She remained quiet so I continued. "But I don't understand, what happened after they killed your dad? Did they turn you then?" The story didn't seem to fit, why didn't they just kill her?

"No. They didn't turn me. They planned on killing me but their past caught up with them. As discreet as they thought they were, their _activities_ across the US had made waves. Their little killing spree from Phoenix to Washington didn't go unnoticed. The Volturi had been tracking them. Just after Victoria killed Charlie they came to reprimand them. They had been too obvious and were a threat to the vampire community." This was way worse than I thought. If Bella had been involved with the Volturi then any of my expectations were out the window.

BPOV

"The memory is pretty hazy but one that stayed with me none the less." I was on autopilot now, recounting my story for the first time ever, and to a stranger none the less. I retold the story the way I remembered it, the scenes flashing in my mind, taunting me.

_Charlie was on the floor, dead. It didn't take them long to drain his blood once they finally killed him. They didn't make it quick. It was torture to him and I had failed as a daughter, I couldn't save him. I couldn't even end his pain. I leapt from the bottom step for Charlie's shotgun on the ground next to him. As though he could read my thoughts, James launched at me._

"_Oh no, my sweet Bella. Tricky, tricky, my dear. You weren't thinking about shooting us were you?" He taunted me. I could feel his grip tighten on my shoulders, the burning going straight into the joints. My face must have given me away as he realised the real reason I wanted the gun._

_He started to chuckle. "My my, how sweet of you. You really do have some courage after all. You would really kill your own father to end his pain, hmm?" After seeing my expression he continued. "You know Bella, if you weren't so deliciously tempting, I would love to see how you would turn out as one of us. Still, that won't stop me from killing you. That is, after I have a little fun with that human body of yours." I shuddered at his words. I knew what was next. He did this in Phoenix after he killed Renee and Phil. Only this time, I was sure that after he was done using my body, he would end it, once and for all. _

_I wished for him to kill me, to end it. I closed my eyes as he started to rip off my clothing, waiting for the pressure of his body against mine. But it never came. When I opened my eyes, James and Victoria were kneeling on the floor at the other end of the room. Four hooded beings stood in a line to my left. They looked similar to James and Victoria, the pale skin, the flawless features and their most common similarity, their deep, crimson eyes. If they did not look so utterly intimidating, this would have been a beautiful site. _

_In synchronisation, the four of them lowered their hoods, not taking their gaze off James and Victoria. The one furthest from me was small and childlike. She appeared about a year younger than me with a slight and petite figure. Her features were smooth and delicate. She smiled yet there was no warmth in her eyes. Though beautiful, she was cold, like stone. As though feeling my gaze on her, she tilted her head toward me, winked at me with a childish grin and turned her gaze back to James and Victoria._

_On her right was a man. He was tall and muscular however he seemed different to the others of his kind. His face was just as pale although did not have the same texture to it that the others had. His skin almost seemed delicate in contrast, as though it were fragile and translucent. The pallor of his skin only made his long black hair stand out more. He shared the same quality of looks as the others however there was an eerie look to him, an almost vacant look in his eyes. This man held an air of authority, he was clearly in charge. _

_Flanked on his right were two more men. They were tall and built with a strangely pale olive complexion. One of them spoke up._

"_We have been tracking the two of you for some time, your actions have caused great upset in the vampire community. The Volturi do __**not **__take kindly to those who break the law!" He paused, allowing his words to sink in before he opened his mouth to continue._

_Just then, Victoria stood, a cheeky smile on her expression. Taking a step forward she began to speak._

"_Come on gentlemen, it was just some sport, we meant no harm and did not realise that our fun had caused problems. We will be leaving now and will not bother you again-" She turned and was suddenly hit by an invisible force. She clutched at her head with her hands as her body buckled, pulling her to the floor in a crumpled heap. Confused, I looked up to the cloaked figures. The one furthest from me, the girl, had a look of severe concentration on her face, her lips curled at the ends in a smile. In any other situation this girl would look beautiful, if not for her sadistic joy at causing pain. Somehow, she was causing this Victoria woman to feel pain, as she screamed and thrashed on the floor. I hate to admit it but I almost felt...appreciation to the girl. Victoria and James had caused my family so much pain, she deserved to suffer the consequences. _

"_Jane. That will be enough. Thank you." The man to her right, their leader, spoke in a calm, quiet voice. _

"_Yes master." She replied. Obvious disappointment in her expression however the screaming trauma ceased as Victoria began to stand. As if I had forgotten his presence, I noticed James lunged forward, attacking the girl – Jane – to the ground. He was pulled off by the two other...guards and restrained in place. Now Jane unleashed her revenge on both James and Victoria, her invisible wrath contorting their bodies. These frightening predators had become nothing but weak marionettes in Jane's sadistic play of torture. _

_The leader now spoke, clearly enraged at this act of defiance. "Felix, Demitri, get rid of her." The order was simple but clear as the two guards – Felix and Demitri – decapitated Victoria in one swift movement before hauling her body away. _

"_No!" James lunged at the man in charge. Before he was able to hit his target, he was slammed by a sudden jolt of pain. Jane's expression was once again solid in concentration and...pleasure? "Aro! You bastard! You killed my mate! I don't give a fuck about the Volturi! I will get you back for this!" _

_Jane brought a hand to her mouth to suppress a laugh. Obviously she found this rather amusing. _

"_Enough, Jane." Aro ordered and that same moment she complied, leaving James in a weak heap on the floor. Before I could even blink in surprise, James had recovered and left, running in a blur out the door. I sat at the foot of the steps, sprawled out, my clothing ripped and torn and my mouth agape at the retreating vampire. _

_My thoughts were interrupted by laughing. Laughing? Huh? I looked up toward Jane and Aro and saw them both trying to suppress their outburst. _

"_I am sorry, dear Isabella. When you have been around for centuries, you learn to find amusement in the smallest of moments. Not to worry though, my guards will find him and eradicate that treacherous piece of filth." _

_What happened next was a blur. I vaguely remember a conversation between Jane and Aro, about me, or more clearly about my...blood? They were speaking too fast and quietly for me to hear but every now and then I could make out some words; potential, scent, blood, turn, vampire. _

I continued to recount my story to Alice as the memory faded in my mind. She stood next to me, her mouth open, her eyes fixed on mine.


	6. Guilt Part II

Hey gals and guys! I am so sorry I have taken such a long time to update, I have been pretty busy. I had an assignment that took up my week, plus I was just busy with life in general. I was hoping to get some feedback from everyone, just to see your opinions. So I have a couple of questions:

Someone mentioned they wanted to see some Bella/Jane action in Bella's memories. I can understand that this is probably not a favourable pairing so I just want to get a feel of what you all think.

I have NEVER written lemon before...at all. This is rated M due to the swearing and graphic violence, but I am not sure how far to go with them when the relationship progresses. So let me know what you think.

I feel like my dialogue is pretty terrible. Anyone have any constructive crit?

So anyway, here is the next chapter. Sorry it is short and maybe a little...well boring in terms of action, but I wanted to introduce the Cullens into the story and give you guys a bit of info as to where I am heading.

Guilt: Part II

BPOV

"So then the next thing I know I am in Italy. Or to be more precise, Volterra." I didn't feel the need to fill the gaps. I could tell that Alice pieced it together and realised that Aro had turned me into the monster that I am today.

"Bella..." Was all she could say before closing her mouth, pausing for a few moments. "I am so sorry, for everything you have been through. This is _all_ my fault, if I could have got to you in time, I could have saved you, from _them_!... From all of this." She threw her hands up to emphasize her point. This perfect angel was upset, because of me. She was completely sincere. I was sure that there was no way possible that Alice was anything less than perfect; no matter how much that contradicted my belief that _all_ vampires were monsters.

"No-no-no Alice, please. This is _not _your fault. It is what it is, and you never know, you may have been killed or anything if you had come before they took me. There is no way that I would trade the last five years for that risk! If anyone is at fault here it is me! I should have never come to Forks, I should have known that they would find me!" I couldn't bare the thought of this amazing, selfless, pixie carrying my guilt on her shoulders.

"No. You had no other choice. There was nothing you could have possible done. Besides, you had no idea that they would find you and Charlie. You shouldn't blame yourself for Charlie's death...and yet you do, and I know that no matter what I say, you will always carry that burden... But maybe,...maybe I could help you carry it." Her words were filled with such passion, such sincerity. This intense emotion radiating from her was too much for me to tolerate, I couldn't respond to her, not verbally at least. Dumfounded I simply looked into her eyes, mouth slightly agape at this amazing creature before me. When I didn't respond, Alice nodded slightly and continued.

"I know this is sudden,... I know we just met and all but I feel a strong connection with you. I'm not sure what it is...maybe it is due to the very first vision I had of you... as though maybe I am tied to you now. Whatever it is, I feel responsible - no, accountable to you; like maybe it is my job to help you. And since I failed the first time, I would give everything to have another chance Bella." Her eyes glassed over, as though a thousand tears threatened to escape.

"I can't be saved Alice. I'm a lost cause." I scoffed and shook my head, trying to disperse the false hope that I could possibly be saved. Her expression broke my heart. Here was this girl, who was beyond amazing, so giving, trying to help _me _and I have the nerve to refuse her? "But...I guess that if anyone could save me, it would probably be you." Her face lit up at my confession. I had no idea why, but this girl, this angel, had managed to put cracks in the dense walls I had forged years ago. My instincts told me to hide, to push her away, as I did when anyone ever got close to me. But my heart, my heart told me that I needed her; that having a friend like her could change my life.

Can I really let someone get this close?

No. I don't deserve help, love... friendship. Anyone who gets close always gets hurt. I can't hurt her, that would surely break me.

But aren't I already broken?

I thought so, till I met her, then all of a sudden I realised that I could sink lower; that losing her would destroy me. The moment I saw her, the hole in my life was filled tenfold, and if anything hurt her, I would surely die.

She was watching me, eyes curious, boring into my soul. So many emotions, and all because of me.

Worry.

Pain.

Concern.

Relief.

Sympathy.

Compassion.

Anger.

...Love?

"Look, Alice. I appreciate you trying to help me and all but..." Shit, how do I say this? "I'm fine, I don't need help. I can deal with this on my own." The words left my mouth and I cringed at how cold I sounded. I couldn't look her in the eye.

"You're _not_ fine Bella. I _want_ to help you." She sounded so desperate.

"Well I don't." I turned and started to walk away and I heard her gasp at my harsh words. "I can't risk getting close to you. It's better this way, for both of us." Then, in true Bella form, I ran. I could hear Alice call after me but this time she didn't try to follow. I hated hurting her, throwing her compassion back in her face. But it was for the best, this was only a glimpse of the pain that I could cause her. It will be better this way. Won't it?

APOV

"Bella, wait!" Oh no. Please no. Don't leave me.

I didn't know why, but I needed her. I needed Bella in my life. Obviously the feeling was not reciprocated though.

"_Well I don't."_

Those three words were replaying through my mind as I stood between the trees. She doesn't want me.

From the first moment I had seen Bella – in her human form, five years ago - I knew that she was the one. I knew that I needed to know her. I loved her instantly. In that moment, I knew that only she could fill the gaping hole in my heart. Then she was gone, or so I thought. Destroyed and ripped from me without even the slightest chance. I was a wreck and thanks to my family, I had finally started to heal. Of course, I could not heal completely, I knew I never would.

_- I walked back home in silence; my family around me, not daring to speak. When it would usually only take us a couple of minutes to run home, it took us thirty, as we all walked at a pace slightly faster than a human jog. Edward, Emmett and Rosalie walked ahead while Jasper walked to my right. He could feel the emotion radiating from me. My parents walked solemnly at my left side. It almost seemed as though they were shielding me, forming a barrier around me in an attempt to protect me from the pain. _

_When we returned home, everyone went upstairs aside from Carlisle, Esme and Jasper. After a brief nod from Esme, Carslisle excused himself to his office._

"_If you will all excuse me, I have some work to follow up on. I'll be in my office if anyone needs me." He turned to walk upstairs. "And Alice? I am truly sorry. I-I can't express how deeply sorry I am that we could not save her." Without another word, my father walked upstairs. Carlisle was always the rock to our family, and even he could not comfort me. I mean, there was nothing that he could possibly do to fix this situation. Usually if we needed help, Carlisle was there to strategise and support us. _

_I knew how much this hurt him, and Esme too. How much it pained them in all these decades for me to be alone. Though they did not mention it often, I knew that they worried about me. For years now, my family had tried to set me up with other vampires, hoping to find me a mate. They even went as far as asking the Denali clan if they knew any single-vegetarian-vampires. Even before I had my first vision of Bella, I could feel that there was only one person for me, I just didn't know who it was yet. The various vampires that I had been set up with – male and female alike – were all wrong for me; I knew this as soon as I laid my eyes on them. Some thought that I was just shallow, judging others on looks alone, before finding out more about them; and not only that but obviously unappreciative, since all vampires were immensely attractive. But my family understood. They had all found their soul mate and remembered how it had felt that moment that they met. Jasper understood better than anyone, we had always been incredibly close._

"_Come on darlin', come sit." Jazz pulled me over to the couch, pulled being the operative word as I was practically catatonic. As I stared ahead of me, I barely felt Esme sit on my other side, the pair enveloping me in a comforting embrace. _

_I felt the numbness evaporate as I was hit by a surge of calm. But I didn't want to feel. Feeling meant acknowledging that I was alone, that I was hurting. _

"_Jazz, stop, please." I pleaded with him. He was my best friend in the entire universe, I did not need to explain my reasoning to him. Without question, he withdrew his power and we sat in silence. _

"_Sweetie, you know I'll do anything for you, but... maybe you need to let yourself feel something... anything." He looked at me with concern filling his golden orbs. _

"_Alice, Jasper is right. I know this hurts, but ignoring the pain won't make it any better." Esme was always the perfect mother. Sometimes I despised how astute she was, especially now. _

_I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to acknowledge that I had lost my soul mate before I had even met her. Sure, she may have not felt the same way, but at least she would still be alive and I could go on knowing that it was her choice that I was not with her. I could live eternity in agony, as long as she was happy. _

I cringed, remembering that night. I only had vague memories of the months after Bella's 'death'. My family, Jasper especially, had all tried so hard to comfort me. Not only was I in pain, but I was causing pain for my family as well. At the time however, I was completely apathetic.

"_Damn it, Alice. You need to stop this! I know you are in pain, I know it hurts, but you can't keep locking yourself away and living like a zombie. She's gone Alice, you can't change that!" My sister Rosalie was the epitome of blunt. I knew her words were out of love, but I couldn't help but be angered by her attitude._

_My thoughts must have been incredibly un-sisterly because Edward stepped in at this point._

"_Rosalie! Alice is hurting, so much more than any of us can ever imagine. How do you think you would feel if you lost Emmett? I can only imagine how I would feel if I lost Jasper, and I am sure that what I imagine would be intensified a thousand times if it were to actually happen." Edwards tone was firm, however he did not raise his voice. Though his gift was frustrating, it came in handy at times like these. Aside from Jazz who could feel what I felt, Edward was the only one who was stuck in my head with me; the only one who didn't need to imagine what I was thinking. I gave him an appreciative nod, he returned the gesture, a solemn smile in his expression. - _

After Rosalie's confession, I decided to start hiding my pain a little more. Bit by bit, I managed to at least seem as though I was coping, if only for the sake of my family. Knowing the pain I had put them through the first time, I did not dare tell them about my new visions of Bella. Carlisle was the only one who knew. Although, I am sure that once he puts things together and realises where I had gone, – since I left without a word – he would tell the rest of the family.

When I walked through the door, I was suddenly aware that my family were all sitting in the lounge room. Carlisle and Esme sitting on the couch, hands laced together; Emmet on the one seater with his arms around Rosalie's waist, as she sat on his lap; and Jazz and Edward on the other couch. As if realising, they all seemed to stiffen and separate slightly.

"Alice-" Carlisle stood and began to walk toward me.

I really don't need this now, I just need to be alone. So I walked to the stairs without making eye contact with any of them. Maybe they will get the hint that I want to be left alone.

_- "Ali, come on hun, let us in." Jasper called from outside my bedroom door while Edward stood beside him, looking solemn. _

"_She didn't say she didn't want you Alice. She just said she couldn't risk getting close to you. I could see the look on her face, she was totally crushed. You can't just give up this easily-"Edward was sincere. He was the only one who could know exactly what I experienced. -_

The vision ended as I heard Jasper and Edward walk up the stairs. I had been in my room reading, escaping from reality, for a few hours now. I guess it was finally time to acknowledge things.

"You can come in Jazz." I said, seconds before I knew he would wrap his knuckles on the door. They both entered and walked into my room.

'_Do you really think so?' _I thought the words, playing the vision in my head so that Edward would understand my question.

"Yes. I do. You can't give up on her. I have seen all your visions Alice. I know you thought you had hid them from me, but occasionally they slipped through. It just took me a while to put the pieces together and realise. When you took off, I read Carlisles thoughts and realised what was happening." Edward leant against my desk, his amber eyes looking deep into mine.

"But...how am I supposed to help her, if she doesn't want me to?"

"Maybe she does want you to help her. Think about it, from your visions, she seems really messed up; perhaps even a little dangerous. But no matter what she has done, I can feel the guilt and remorse she carries. If you felt that way, would you want to be close to someone? Would you feel deserving of help?" My brother had his own battles to deal with in his past. Not only that, but he had the thoughts and emotions of his mate to give him insight into Bella's situation.

I opened my mouth in protest but before I could argue I felt a surge of warmth and love flow through me. I can't remember my human life, but I imagine that this feeling would be the similar buzz that people get from taking sedatives or alcohol.

"You remember when we met Ali? Remember how hard it was for me to let you love me? Remember how hard a time I had accepting that this amazing family could possibly love _me?_ After all I had done?" Jasper paused to let the words sink in. "She went through so much as a human, only to be found by the Volturi. We have no idea where she has been since then, or who she has been with. But she is clearly unstable. Give her time."

I discussed this further with my brothers. I'm not sure if it was their advice or the borrowed emotions, but after a few hours I began to feel better. As the sun began to rise, Eward and Jazz left my room, since obviously, I had a lot to think about. They were right, I couldn't give up on her, not till I had given her everything I had. Then, after that, if she truly didn't want me, then I could walk away, knowing that she was really not meant to be mine. Hopefully my gift would give me some kind of insight as to what might happen.

Soooo, what did you guys think?

Also, I am planning to write another fic, something maybe a little less angst-ish and all human. So if I take a while to update then I may be working on the other story, but I will still be writing this one.


	7. Memories

Hey guys. Thanks so much for reading my story, you have no idea how stoked I am that people are reading this...and enjoying it! Thanks for the feedback from the last chapter. Just to clear things up, it seems that I was not clear about Bella's past with Jane and I think some people didn't realise that the lover from the memory in the beginning was supposed to be Jane. I didn't specify this afterward because I mentioned her in another memory and most of you got it, so I didn't feel the need to clarify. I know many of you probably hate the pairing, but it is necessary for contrast. Also, I was so intrigued by Jane's character in the books – and I feel she did not get the air time she deserved – and wanted to expand on her and play with her a little.

Also, I wanted to make a note on my version of Edward. I really don't like Edward...or Jake that much either. I love Twilight but the two of them are demanding, possessive, condescending, controlling and manipulative. But the story still rocks and honestly I think Bella should have been with Alice, they just go together perfectly. Having said that, I also see a good side to both of them. So instead of having the bad side of Eddie in my story, I am choosing to expand on his good qualities and show that side of him. I don't really want a boring, moody Edward in my story. Sorry to any team Edward, team Jacob people, it is just my opinion – I just don't understand how in this day and age, girls throw themselves at guys like this. Anyway, enough of my ranting!

Chapter five: Memories

BPOV

"_Isabella, our lunch has arrived. Is there anything you would like, or do you need to peruse the menu for a while?" Aro spoke with a mischievous grin plastered on his face. _

_To my right, in my peripheral vision, I could see Jane and Alec stalk a young man they had separated from the crowd. He barely noticed that Alec was there, he was captivated by the seemingly innocent female in front of him. Jane pranced toward him, her malevolent smile daring him to retreat. _

_As the twins engulfed their pray, I spotted mine. She was standing in the middle of the hall, her eyes down at her feet. Her long highlighted blonde hair flowed from her scalp all the way to the middle of her back. As though she could feel my eyes on her, she looked up, straight into my eyes. She stood her ground as I walked toward her, my blood red eyes focused on her grey/blue ones. Her courage only made her more appealing to me; obviously the scent of her blood was the main attraction. _

_Then she surprised me. After a few months of being a newborn, I had noticed one thing about humans. Once they realise that they cannot fight us, their flight response kicks in. In all cases I have witnessed, the human steps back and tries to get away; that is of course, only after they realise that the alluring creature before them is intent on drinking their life force. But not this woman. No, when I was only a few steps in front of her, she took two steps and closed the gap. _

"_I know what you are going to do. Just get it over with. I'm not going to beg, I won't give you the satisfaction." She kept my gaze, her voice not wavering at all. Little did she know, her confidence only fuelled the monster within; and oh how it writhed in anticipation within me. The worst thing was that I wanted to give in to it; I wanted to let the monster take over and snuff the fire inside this vibrant creature. _

_As I lifted my hand to cup her cheek, I heard – and felt – a slight gasp. I could feel her heart beat quicken as I leant in, my gaze not straying from hers until the last moment. As my lips approached her pulse point, I exhaled my icy breath on her neck, causing a shiver to course through her heated body. I caressed her neck with my lips, ghosting my tongue over her thin, fragile skin. She let out a slight moan before it was stifled by the feeling of my canines piercing into her jugular. Her whimpers of pain harmonised with the sounds I was making at the taste of her blood. The inherent burning in the back of my throat subsided as her warm, metallic life flowed through me. The matter that once kept her alive became the source of my strength, of my existence. It became the source of my pleasure and sustenance. But in the same way that it became the source of my pleasure, it would also become the source of my guilt, of my demise. _

"_That was rather impressive, Bella." Jane's cold voice had a hint of amusement. Of course she was impressed, I was killing; I was inflicting pain. As I turned to face her, I saw the passive expression on her face. To anyone other than me, Jane seemed apathetic at best. But I knew the truth, she was empty inside and she loathed it. Her play made her feel alive; death made her feel alive. How poetically ironic. _

"_Of course it was my dear." I gave her a sly wink. _

"_Oh Bella you are the ultimate enigma. A two sided coin, each in sheer contrast. Little lion, when will you allow that beautiful beast within you reign free? When will you feel the power that is at your feet? This world could be yours, ours. All you need to do is seize that opportunity, and we could have it all. Ah, but why dwell on such matters, I have you in true form right now in front of me. We best make the most of this short time before that despicable conscience of yours returns Bella. _

_I scoffed at her admission. "My Jane, when will you realise that you are nothing more to me than a simple pet?" _

The memory ended as though it was ripped from my body. It left me broken and on the floor, trembling in the foetal position. What have I done?

I killed.

I used.

I manipulated.

And worst of all, I enjoyed every minute of it.

Thanks so much for reading guys. Review or not I don't really mind. In fact, I would probably rather you review about things you don't like, to help me improve. But I am certainly not going to threaten slow updates as punishment for no reviews, and I am not going to be begging for reviews because honestly, I appreciate them, but I write for the fun of it, not for the attention. Also, terribly sorry for the short chapter; I was going to go to bed and write more but I figured a small update is better than no update. More to come soon. Thanks for reading lovelies.


	8. Perfection

Hey guys and gals. Like I said, the last chapter was really short, so I have busted my ass to get this chapter out a bit quicker to make up for it. I am working more now so I have been heaps busier than before, but I will still try to keep updating regularly.

Thanks for the feedback for last chapter. I have decided that I will include more memories about Bella's time with Jane but they won't be smut. I really want to develop her character because I think that Jane simply kicks ass, and she didn't get enough screen time in the books. Yes she is sadistic and one of the 'bad guys' but in terms of a character, she is completely fascinating.

I also asked how many of you were desperate for smut...and it seems none of you appear to be, so I am kind of relieved. Don't get me wrong, I mean this is a love story but the idea of writing lemon is just a bit scary for me right now. So if you were reading this for a smut fest... maybe stop now :p

Anyway I better get on with it. Hope you guys enjoy reading it, I quite enjoyed writing this chapter.

As always:

**Bold: Bella's internal monster**

_Italics: Memories or visions_

**Chapter six: Perfection**

BPOV

_This chase has gone on long enough. Six hours. Six, blissful hours._

"_Oh lovely, where are you my dear?" Of course, I didn't really need my prey to respond, the laceration I left on her wrist was a signal flare to my senses, enticing me, calling me toward her. This was a feisty one, not like the last one who just cowered and trembled at my touch. No, this one actually thought she had a chance at life, at being anything other than my prey._

_A lovely night to die really; a summer evening in Volterra, the heat radiating from the stone buildings, a slight, warm breeze rustling the trees as their leaves dance to the ground. Yes, this was indeed a lovely night to die. _

_Such dense, ignorant humans; they breed animals for food, kill them for their skin, ivory and fur, and yet are filled with such fear and revulsion at the realisation that they are not on top of the food chain after all. Perhaps that is what we supreme beings should be doing to them; farm and breed them in captivity. Deny their basic rights and happiness. After all, they are our food source, what rights could they possibly deserve? They are a meal, they are our survival. Yes, you dense, weak humans; not so fun being the prey now is it? Your proudest achievements have become your downfall. Your 'advanced' technology, driving you all to lives of laziness and greed. How they justify their actions, how they scapegoat and evade the guilt. Because really, eating the steak is surely not the same as killing the cow. Yes indeed, dense little humans;_

_You. Are. Just. Like. Us._

_Her tears interrupted my musing. Who am I? What have I become. Remember who you are Bella. Remember Charlie, remember Renee._

_**That is not you. That was the filthy human. She is in the past. You are supreme, you are a predator, kill. **_

_No. I'm Bella Swan. I'm Bella! _

_**Tut, tut. No my dear, that is the fairy tale we tell when in our chamber alone and filled with regret. Well, you are filled with regret. I'm filled with warm, human blood, coursing through my body. **_

_No. I. AM. Bella. Swan. Charlie, Renee, my parents, my family. Bella, I'm Bella. _

Fuck. I didn't even realise I was screaming till the pain in my fists finally broke into my thoughts. But it looked like I was better off than the tree that had become the brunt of my guilt. Three weeks. It has been three weeks since I have drank human blood. Three weeks feeding on the blood of animals. Three weeks since I was in the presence of a goddess.

The monster within shattered my resolve not long after I left Alice standing in the middle of the forest. I had killed again, and seemingly, the beast inside me rejoiced. The part of me that was still human was utterly repulsed, filled with guilt and remorse. But now I had learnt my lesson. I had been starving myself for weeks before then, refusing to kill even a deer. I was weak, the animal in me was strong. Not again. I won't let that happen again. I needed to feed. I needed to take the lives of animals. Sure, I still felt the guilt, but it was a trade off between feeding on animals and letting the beast torture innocent humans. When I fed off animals, I could hold my composure; I could break their necks quickly and put them out of their misery. The beast inside me was not so kind. It enjoyed the thrill of the hunt far too much. Quick and painless was not in its repertoire of killing methods.

APOV

_Bella stood in a clearing, surrounded by pines that stretched to the heavens. She threw her fists into the staunchest pine she could find, sending shards of wood flying through the forest. Her eyes brimmed with tears that could not be shed. I could tell by the colour of her eyes that she had fed since we met. They were no longer coal black. Good. At least she was now looking after herself a bit better. The colour however was not quite what I had expected. I knew Bella had a past, that she had done things, terrible things that she was seeking atonement for. We all have, at some time or another. _

_Her eyes were almost a blood orange colour. A thick scarlet ring encircled her iris while the inside held an orange/gold hue. She had fed on human blood in the last three weeks. But what surprised me the most was that the red was fading, making way for the gold. She had also been feeding on animal blood. She was much stronger than she gave herself credit for. _

_Bella turned quietly at a small noise to her left. A deer stood at the other end of the clearing, frozen in shock – earning its reputation for the deer in headlights analogy. Bella eyed her prey and crouched down, ready to attack. After what felt like minutes, she had not moved. Eventually, the deer found the courage and sprinted away. _

_Boom._

_The tree took the brunt of her frustration and hunger before toppling to the forest floor, crushing most of the undergrowth in its wake. _

"How long?" Edward was standing directly in front of me; hand on my shoulders in worry.

"Nine minutes and...thirty three seconds...I think." I gave my brother a cheeky smirk, adding the insecurity at the end so as not to sound _too_ arrogant.

"Well of you go then." Jasper piped up cheerily, obviously sensing the emotions emanating from both me and Edward, not needing to see the vision for himself.

I stood in the clearing, only meters away from where the deer stood minutes ago. Bella sat on the trunk of the fallen tree, her head in her hands. Not wanting to startle her, I cleared my throat and began to slowly walk toward her.

Bella's head shot up as her eyes met mine. She looked surprised but not threatened. I was grateful, the last thing I wanted to do was scare her. Her eyes darted from mine to the flask in my hand. When I neared her, I wordlessly held out the blood filled thermos with a soft expression.

A look of deep appreciation adorned her face as recognition of the flasks contents sunk in. She took the flask from my hands, her finger slightly brushing mine as she closed her fist around the object. A very slight gasp escaped my mouth as her seemingly soft skin touched mine; a gasp which am sure that, had I been human, would have caused me to blush in embarrassment. Before this thought had settled, I realised that Bella had the exact same reaction. Did she feel what I felt? Surely not. It was more likely surprise, shock at the contact after such a long time. Yes, that was it, wasn't it?

She downed the contents of the flask in seconds, causing the grey-black film that had settled over her eyes when she saw the deer, to dissipate. Her eyes returned to their previous, vibrant colour, only I could swear that they were becoming more orange, even after such a short time.

"Um...Thanks...Alice." She seemed nervous, giving me a small yet sad smile in appreciation. "How did you know-" She began, but paused to think. "Oh. Visions, right."

"Yeah, sorry about that. They kind of just come on most of the time without my control. Sometimes I can look though... for something specific, but usually I try not to. Don't like invading people's privacy you know?" I told her, smirking slightly.

She nodded in understanding, a pensive look on her face. "So, have you, um... have you looked for my future... I mean, on purpose?" She was so cute when she was all shy. Wait, Alice, what are you thinking? You can't think thoughts like that, at least not _right now._ Later...well that was a different story. It's not that bad is it? I mean it's not like I'm thinking about...Whoa ok stop! That's why thoughts of her cuteness are bad. Focus. Baby steps. Eh, who cares, she is undeniably adorable, I admit.

"Bella, I'll be honest with you. I have tried to look into your future, but only because I was worried. And I definitely would not pry on anything _too_ personal." I admit, sincerely.

"Tried?" She asked me quizzically. Oh how could I forget to tell her the most important part?

"Yes, tried. You see, visions of you come to me on their own accord, usually when you are in trouble, like today. Usually if I _try _to see someone then I _can _see them, but for some reason with you, sometimes when I try, I can't see _anything. _Then at other times, it is fine. Then sometimes, the picture is kind of fuzzy, like bad TV reception I guess." That was the only way I could explain it, even Carlisle had no idea what was happening with my visions.

"Hm." She furrowed her brows together in deep concentration. "Is there...something wrong...with me?" She looked like a child who just had her favourite doll taken from her.

I couldn't help but giggle, it was just too cute. "Bella, I have issues with my 'gift' and you think there is something wrong with _you?_ Don't be silly, I am sure it's nothing, Carlisle has a few theories about it but right now it is still pretty much a mystery."

BPOV

Facepalm. Bella you tool, do you not know how to act among beautiful women or what? So far, after meeting her twice, this pixie vamp has reduced me to an insecure, stuttering mess. Me! Of all people, a _Volturi_!

"Um...actually I think I might know the reason." I looked at her. I didn't really know if I should be telling her this or not but she just seems so...trustworthy. When she didn't speak, only looked at me expectantly, I decided to continue. "Well, I kind of have my own 'gift'." I said, raising my hands for the brackets. "I am sort of what we would call a shield. Though usually, my power only works on offensive gifts such as Aro and Jane's powers." Shit. You idiot.

"Jane's power huh? That would have been pretty amusing to watch. So was this when they first turned you or something?" She said, with a slight grin on her face.

"Ah, something like that." Amusing does not even begin to describe it. She looked at me curiously, obviously wanting to probe further. As though she changed her mind – realising my hesitance – she looked away and changed the course of the conversation.

"Interesting, do you know much about your power? Is there more that you can do with it?" I think I would be safe with this. I mean, I trust her..at least, I _want _to trust her. Really though, if she knew everything about my past then she definitely wouldn't want to be around me. And I am sure that my... interaction, with Jane would be one of those things.

"I know a little. Basically I can shield, mentally and physically from attacks. That part I have known since I was turned, so that is the strongest of my abilities. What I didn't know for a couple of years, what I haven't actually told anyone yet, till now, is that I can also shield others from the same attacks. So I have been working on that for a while, it is still pretty sketchy but my strength is improving. There are some other aspects that I am not quite sure about yet, though I am working on them." I didn't really want to share the rest of my abilities with her, especially when I had barely worked them out myself.

Alice looked at me, an expression close to awe on her face. "Wow Bella. That is pretty amazing." She seemed sincere but I wasn't sure. I'm not really used to receiving compliments like that, and surely this amazing, selfless, beautiful girl would not think that a sadistic predator like me was amazing. Could she? I want to believe she did, but believing and being are two very different things. Sure, I received what you could call compliments from people before, especially Aro and Jane. But they were usually the kind of compliments that were in appreciation of what I could give them, rather than who I am. Aro would compliment my power, because without it, who would protect him? Jane complimented my looks, but that was because I knew all she wanted to do was get in my pants.

APOV

"Thanks, Alice." It was such a simple gesture but it said so much. At that moment, I could not be any happier about my decision to come to her. I had taken a risk in approaching her again, but it had worked to my advantage. Very slowly, I was gaining her trust and making her feel at ease. I knew that this would take time, but I was prepared to give her as long as she needed. I would spend forever making Bella feel safe. Then once she trusts me, I will spend another forever loving her; that is, if she will let me.

We sat side by side in silence, not the awkward kind, more so the kind of silence that you share with a friend who you don't need to verbalise with to communicate. My senses, and I am sure Bella's as well, were picking up all kinds of scents and sounds in the forest. During my depressed state after finding out that I had been unable to save Bella, I would often sit out in the forest and meditate. We can't sleep so for me, my visions and meditation are the only things that come close. Although, since I can't remember being human, I don't particularly miss the sensation of sleeping. I do envy humans though, the fact that they can escape reality in an unconscious state is something that I had wished possible for me so many times.

BPOV

Sitting beside Alice felt like the most natural thing in the world. It wasn't awkward and neither of us felt the need to break the silence with idle chatter. Even as a human I despised people who talked for the point of filling the silence, but now, as a vampire, I have even more patience to sit and be silent. But there was one thing that I needed to get off my chest, the one thing that has been on my mind for the last three weeks.

"Alice?" I almost whispered the words, knowing that she would hear me.

"Hm?" She turned to look at me, a serene look on her face which _almost _looked like the groggy expression of a barely awake human. My god she is adorable.

"About what I said the other day, I'm so sorry." She gazed into my soul as I confessed probably the most honest thing I have said in my entire life.

"It's alright Bella, I understand. It must be hard to trust people after what you have been through." I had to interrupt, she was totally wrong.

"No, that's not what it was about. I do trust you, at least, I _really _want to trust you. I just, I'm not good for you, Alice. I'm not a good person, I've done some _terrible _things-" She cut me off by placing a finger against my lips. Oh. My. Whoa. My heart stopped beating five years ago, but I swear it felt as though I was having palpitations at the feel of her skin against mine.

"Bella, you're a vampire. Not a day goes by when I don't struggle with the part of me that is a monster. We have all done terrible things that we are ashamed of. My family and I try to atone every single day for what we have done. Some vampires don't want to acknowledge the things that they do. And I guess that they are just following their instincts. Others however, like us, do believe that we have a choice. The fact that you acknowledge that you have a choice, means that you deserve more than you give yourself credit for." Her words were filled with power, with such passion. She was truly the optimist.

"But... you're not a monster, you couldn't possibly be. I mean, before three weeks ago I had the opinion that _all _vampires were evil, but here you are, proving me wrong. There is so much good in you Alice, it radiates from you. I'm not like you, I'm bad for you. I'm bad news, I'll just end up hurting you in the end, just like everyone else. And I _really _do _not _want to hurt you." I needed to emphasize to her what a bad idea it was to be around me. I know that I should be pushing her away but I just can't. I can't stay away from her, not by choice.

"Shh Bella." She cooed. "It's alright, we can work together. No one is perfect, we all hurt and get hurt at times. I know you don't _want _to hurt me, and I know that you carry a lot of baggage. I'll help you get through it, all you need to do is let me." No one is perfect? Really, I think I have the argument for that opinion and she is right in front of me; in the flesh and...blood?

"I dunno, I mean, you're perfect." Facepalm, once again. Smooth Bella, smooth. "Ah, I mean... Sorry." So what, this stutter thing has become a permanent disability now or is it just when I'm around Alice? I swear I have not been this inept at conversation since I was... since I was _human_.

Then, for the second time today, she silenced me by placing a finger to my lips. "Bella, stop. It's okay, honest. Trust me, please?" Then she melted my frozen heart with the most adorable pout I have ever seen. Now, I used to think that when guys fell for the pathetic pout that a girl threw their way, that they were pathetic. Well, I would say that since I am melting at the sight, I have now joined that list.

Her next action completely terrified me. She leant in slowly, sliding her hand from where it lingered on my lips to cup my cheek. As she peered through my eyes and into my soul, asking for silent permission, she began to close the gap. I couldn't help but close my eyes at the feeling of her hand against my cheek. Involuntarily, I snaked my tongue out to lick my lips, forcing her gaze down from my eyes to my mouth. Within a moment that was too short for a human to notice, she looked back up to my eyes, moistening her own lips with her tongue. Holy wow, her lips were so full, yet petite as they glistened in the dim light. She was mere millimetres from my lips, I could feel her breath on my lips, hear the faint sound that it made as she exhaled. She was so close, yet, so painlessly far away from me. Alice was perfection; perfection that I could not bring myself to taint. Perfection that was far better off without me.

"I'm sorry, Alice. I-I can't do this. I'm sorry." Then, like the coward that I am, I turned to run.

"Wait!" I stopped but didn't turn to face her, knowing that looking at her now would ruin my resolve. "Will I be able to see you again Bella? I understand if you can't trust me yet...or that you can't trust yourself, but I would _really_ like to keep seeing you... in real life that is, not in my visions." She let out a nervous giggle at her joke. I let the warmth wash over me as my own mouth turned up in a large grin. "Wait. Ok I have my answer. See you tomorrow Bella." She chimed as though this was the happiest thing possible.

"But how did you-" I began before realising. "Oh. Right. Great. See you tomorrow Alice. Take care." Then I ran, but this time I wasn't running away...well I was; I needed some time to think, to process all of this. But I was also running toward something as well. Toward her.

Like? Dislike? They nearly kissed! I'm sorry, I just don't think they are ready yet...well Alice is ready, but Bella still hates herself and she really believes that she is not good enough for Alice; that she would be corrupting/tainting Alice if she were to kiss her.

Did anyone notice my dig at human nature and the fact that we see vampires as evil when really they are our parallel? I am not vegetarian but I really do hate the fact that animals die to provide me with food. I just think that it is really hypocritical of us to believe that the idea of a vampire is pure evil because they feed off humans. I mean yes, perhaps the fact that they used to be human and share many of the same traits does make it so much worse but still, they kill to survive and so do we. So really, we are not any better than they are. Sure, some vampires (in myth and story...to my knowledge at least) are cruel and sadistic and torture humans...but a lot of people do sadistic disgusting shit like that to animals and other humans too. Anyway that is my rant and explanation of that part of the chapter. Hope that I didn't offend anyone too much, they are my opinions, we are all different.

Jess xoxo


	9. Abyss

Hello all you wonderful people *waves*

Here is my next chapter. Just a shout out to my new friend Eden Storm who is totally and utterly awesome, if you guys have not yet read her story Mesmeric Stranger then you need to. Seriously I would be worried if you were reading this and haven't read hers. If you haven't, leave this page immediately and go read her story - it is MUCH better, trust me 3

So, I am rather insecure about this chapter for a few reasons. The first reason is because it starts on a rather happy note and well *cringe* it just feels weird to me. It kind of feels a bit cheesy personally and I am not sure about the Cullen interactions. So if you guys have some constructive crit on how I could have written the first part better, then please hit me with it.

The second, and the main worry for me, is the fact that **this chapter is very graphically violent**. **The story is rated M for that reason, although this chapter is more R18. **However I believe that I have dramatically pushed the boundary in comparison to the level of violence I have shown in the past. I wrote it and then felt overwhelmed with how sadistic and disguisting it is. I am almost ashamed that this idea came from my mind, you guys will probably think I am a psychopath. I'm not, just so you know :p It seriously makes me wonder what the hell goes on in the minds of people who write horror flicks such as the Saw movies. Basically this level of sadistic violence is kind of needed in the story, I really need to demonstrate just how bad Bella was back then, in order to explain to you guys why she is so incredibly damaged, the way she is. It is also important because it is a stark contrast to the Bella that she may possibly become with Alice's help/ the Bella that Alice wants to help her become.

So. If you guys are really squirmish or sensative to violence, then skip the second flashback in Bella's point of view. The paragraph is in italics and begins with "Bella, please." So if you read that and think you might be a bit sensative to the scene, then please skip it. I really do not want to offend anyone. I know it is probably not _that _bad, and I am sure that I am likely to raise the bar and write something even more sick and twisted, but when you analyze it in depth, it really IS that bad - especially if you look at it from the point of view of Bella's victims.

So anyway, please do not hate me and please don't think I am a psychopath. I don't have a violent or sadistic bone in my body, I am actually a severely empathetic person, to the point of getting really distressed over other people's suffering and being overwhelmed by their emotions. Also, please don't hate me for torturing your favorite leading lady. I love Bella's character, I just want to give her some different possible scenarios to work with.

Disclaimer: Why do we even do these? This is a fan fiction site which clearly states that this is fan fiction based on other people's work. However, if anyone feels like taking me to court for stealing Steph Meyers intellectual property, then please keep in mind that I do not claim to own any of these characters. I have merely used her characters and some of her plot ideas to base my story upon.

**Chapter 7: Abyss**

**APOV**

"Oh Bro, you're going down!" I could hear my brother Emmet booming as I walked out of the forest toward the house. I laughed, knowing full well what to expect when I walked through the door.

"Want to wager that one Em?" Edward responded with a coy tone.

_The controller smashed against the floor as Emmet stood, sulking and retreated upstairs. Rosalie, sharing a wide grin with Edward, followed after him. _

"_You could have just let him win this once. For my sake at least." She said with a wink in his direction._

I smirked, coming out of the vision just as I walked through the door.

"Em, block your thoughts or he will beat you in about..." I paused and tilted my head to the side, thinking. "...five moves from now." I called to his back, knowing full well that he could hear me.

"Whoo! Told ya' Eddie boy! Pay up, bro." Emmett almost jumped from his chair as he landed the winning move. "Thanks Ali." He said as he ruffled my hair and jumped around the room. Edward simply held out a fifty, his gaze trained on me.

'_I had to, unless of course you wanted to deal with Rose's bad mood all afternoon while he sulked.' _I thought to him, shrugging my shoulders to emphasize. He nodded, throwing me his trade mark crooked grin.

"So... How did it go?" He said as I walked forward to join him on the couch, sending him mental images of my afternoon with Bella. He sat pensive for a moment, nodding his head ever so slightly.

"She does care about you, Alice." His statement was simple, but reassuring.

"You think so?" I questioned, knowing full well that he would not have said so otherwise, but still needing the confirmation.

'I do. The way she looks at you, the way she speaks to you, the way that she trusts you. Hell, Alice, after all she has been through, I really doubt she would open up to anyone else like that." He stated with such confidence and sincerity that I felt as though I could cry, if it were possible.

Mentally I sent him one small moment that I had left out before; when I almost kissed her. He raised an eyebrow as he received the memory.

"Well, that was rather bold of you darling. I doubt that she didn't want it just as much as you did. Though, these things do take time. Remember how long it took for Jazz and I to finally get it together?" He chuckled as he relived the memory.

"That's only because you're a tease." Jasper cried, jumping down the stairs and walking toward Edward. He winked at me as he passed by to sit on the other side of his mate.

Edward tried hard to suppress his laughter, allowing his wide grin to surface. "Well, what do you expect? Your thoughts were just too delicious." He teased.

On that note I decided it was time to retire to my room. I needed some alone time and I _really_ did not want to sit in on one of their flirting sessions; the result being a make out session, and I knew exactly what that would lead to. Erring on the side of caution, I decided to plug my headphones into my ipod, just to be on the safe side.

True, this will sound like utter jealousy, but I really can't deal with happy couples right now. To be more specific, I haven't been able to deal with any couple since the day I thought my soul mate had died. Sure, I was happy for my family. I loved them all dearly and I was so delighted that they were all happy and with their mates. They deserved happiness. But this selfish part of me craved that same happiness, that I knew only _she _could bring. How did I know? I knew because until the day I saw her in that vision, I had always felt that I was waiting. I just didn't know what it was I was waiting for. Then I saw her, her beautiful chestnut hair swaying behind her as she walked; her vibrant lips, full of colour; her deep, chocolate eyes that gazed lovingly at me.

The first vision I had of Bella was set one month after she moved to forks. It was so short, but in that moment, I knew she was the one.

"_Al-lice! Please don't make me try on another one. This is torture." She cried out to me as she fell back onto my bed. I walked from my closet and back into my room a few moments later, three black dresses in hand._

"_Come on Bells, please, just a few more k? I promise! Then we can do whatever you want." I giggled as I danced toward the bed. Bella looked up at me, a sinister look in her eyes._

"_Anything I want? You promise?" She said with a slightly suggestive tone as she sat up. Oh. Crap. _

" _Sure, of course, whatever you want." I said, calling her bluff, but she had managed to reduce this ice cold vampire to a bundle of nerves. She stood before me, taking the hangers from my grip and tossing them on the bed behind her. _

The vision ended, leaving me craved with desire that I had never imagined possible. For the next three days I was excitedly anticipating her arrival. That is, until the next vision came; the one that tortured me with my love's death. Since that day, I have shied away from my family, from their love, knowing that it was something that was completely unattainable for me. But life had thrown me a second chance with Bella. Of course, what was my penance for being given another chance with this amazing beauty? That she was damaged, tortured and hurting. Life, why do you enjoy toying with me so?

**BPOV**

_I recognised her scent before I heard the knock at my chamber door. It was the girl from before, the one who dealt retribution to that vile creature known as Victoria. A few days ago, when I was human, Jane was utterly terrifying. Now however, whilst she still held an air of intimidation, I found her much more intriguing. I guess she could say the same of me. I could tell that it both frustrated and fascinated her that her power did not have any effect on me. At the same time, I felt rather enthralled that I was able to evade her gift. _

"_Come in, Jane" I called out before she had the chance to knock. She inched the dense, mahogany door open and walked in. She walked with such grace that she almost floated toward me. She was indeed captivating, her power and confidence radiated from her in thick waves. Her serious, almost professional and disengaged demeanour only added to her radiance. There was only one word to describe what she made me feel. _

_Lust._

_I knew that it was nothing more than that. I wasn't even sure if vampires were able to feel anything more than hunger and lust. I had been void of any strong emotion since my turning, giving in to my more primal, animalistic instincts. I had been told that 'life' as a newborn would consist mostly of hunger, rage and lust, and that it was perfectly normal to give in to these desires. _

"_Isabella, tonight I will show you how to hunt. Till now, your prey have been provided to you, however you will not always have this luxury. As a member of the Volturi guard, you will be expected to be away from Volterra at times. It is necessary that you know how to hunt efficiently and inconspicuously so as not to cause any suspicion." Her tone was cold, professional and monotonous. I could tell that beneath the surface, she was bored and felt that her education of an inferior member of the guard was far below her. _

"_You can call me Bella... if you wish." I stated quietly, hoping to p_ry_ some form of response from her. _

_She simply sighed impatiently, before turning to the door. "We will leave in ten minutes, Isabella. I will meet you in the foyer." And with that, she glided out the door, leaving me to prepare for my first hunt. _

The memories of my time with the Volturi flooded through me as I sat on the edge of a cliff, looking out over the ocean. If only I had known then that the lust I felt for Jane was nothing more than fascination and newborn instinct. She didn't take any notice of me till months after I was turned. To her, I was a chore, part of her duty as a Volturi guard. That was, at least before she realised my potential; before pupil succeeded mentor and I became more deranged and sadistic than she could ever imagine. She had done her job well, and by then, I had refused to follow her around like a lost puppy. The roles were reversed, she threw herself at me shamelessly, and I enjoyed toying with her almost as much as I enjoyed distinguishing the lives of my innocent, helpless victims.

**That's right, she made us this way. She created this monster, and oh how we made our master proud.**

I shook the thought away; I needed to overcome the beast in me. I would succeed.

**Tut, tut. When will you learn that I **_**am**_** you my dear? **

No. You're not. I am stronger. I will win.

**Then tell me that you didn't feel alive with every life you snuffed. Tell me that the three and a half years after you were turned were not the most exhilarating of your existence. Tell me you didn't enjoy seeing them cower in fear, or feel them squirm beneath you as their hot blood rushed down your throat. **

**Tell me that you don't wish that petty conscience of yours didn't get in the way of taking what is rightfully yours. I know there is a part of you that still craves it. And inch, by inch, I will make you see what you really are. **

**I.**

**Will.**

**Make.**

**You.**

**See.**

No! I. Am. Stronger. You won't win, you won't take me. Not again, not ever. You had your reign of me for long enough. You will hurt me no more.

"_Bella, please!" Jane pleaded with me, locked in battle with her body as it thrashed forward, only to be thrown back again._

_I had played my game for four long, sweet hours. And oh how I enjoyed torturing her; her desperate cries, the feral look in her eyes, the beast within her that tore at her body to escape. Oh and let's not forget the delicious human that made all this possible. _

_She was barely a woman, a girl of about sixteen years, innocent and bursting with life. She sat helplessly at the foot of my bed. Her arms tied above her head to the bedpost above her. To make things more interesting, I had made small lacerations in her soft, tender skin, which were still oozing rich, delicious, warm blood. The blood trickled down her arms from both her wrists, staining her crisp, white shirt. Blood had congealed in her hair from her thrashing about in fear. _

_Jane was not aware of my new talent till today, when I decided to test it out on her. Not only could I shield myself from mental attacks, but I could also shield myself, and others, from physical harm. Ingenious, I tell you, this game of mine. Her innocent whimpers, pleas for help in stark contrast to the thrashing beast held back no more than six feet from her. _

_The blood was too much for Jane to resist, yet no matter how hard she tried, she could not get close enough to the girl to take her. I kept my shield up, teasing her, torturing her with the promise of sweet, fulfilling blood. _

"_Damnit Bella, fuck!" She growled, her lip curled up in a snarl. I couldn't help but laugh, she was so amusing like this. _

"_Oh Jane, is that any way to speak to a friend? Besides, you don't have to have _this_ girl, there are plenty of beautiful young girls in Volterra with pulsing, crimson blood flowing through their veins, just waiting for you to sink your teeth in and taste." I teased._

_She scoffed, throwing her head back in pain. "Right, and as soon as I give up and head for the door, you just block me with that fucking shield again. Seriously this is fucked up, Bella, even for you." I could tell how desperate she was. This plan of mine really was ingenious. _

_Smiling at Jane the whole time, I walked over to where the girl sat on the floor, tied to the bed. Grabbing her wrists, I pulled her effortlessly into the air, till the rope unhooked from the bedpost. I planted her feet to the ground, holding her up as her legs buckled beneath her. I walked her a step forward, holding her in front of me, my arms around her waist. _

"_Bella, please." Jane was pleading, she knew me too well to know that I would not give in this easy. _

_As I stood behind the girl, one hand against her abdomen, pulling her into my front, I pulled her head back to rest on my shoulder. Breaking eye contact with Jane, I lowered my mouth to the pulsating artery, before sinking my teeth in and drinking her life force. _

_I took only enough to tease, enough to have Jane thrashing in pain as the burning in her throat tore her apart. She was on the floor, gasping mouthfuls of air that she did not need, bombarding her over taught senses with the scent of the one thing her body craved the most. _

"_Well Jane? Don't tell me you're not thirsty now." I teased as I dropped my shield. The force of Jane slamming into the girl - and effectively me - was enough to throw us back and onto the bed behind us. The girl whimpered in pain from where she lay cradled between my legs. One stone hard vampire behind her, another on top of her, pushing against her harder and harder at what must have been bone shattering pressure. _

_Jane did not hesitate before plunging her teeth into the wound that I had opened not moments ago, moaning in delight as she satisfied the burning at the back of her throat. I smiled, smug and victorious; my sadistic, deranged self satisfied... for now. _

The sun had set now over the water, as I lay crouched in the foetal position on the stone cliff edge. I was somewhat aware of the fact that my body was convulsing, although I was mostly desensitised. In an effort to shut out the pain, the guilt, my body had become numb, detached from reality; from the past, from the present, and most definitely from my possible future. I wasn't the seer, and I didn't need to be to know that this guilt would plague me for eternity. And the only thing that I was sure of in that moment was that I deserved it.

Through the convulsions, words ran primitively through my mind. Images flashed against the back of my retina. No matter how hard I closed my eyes, the memories would not dissipate. My senses assaulted me full force as they returned. Only they were not attuned to the present, they were only there to provide me with detailed memory of a past I wanted to forget, only knew that I did not deserve to.

Smell. My sense of smell hit me, the scent of all those I have killed and taken. It burned my throat as the scent of their blood, their lives, filled my lungs. These scents brought on a whole new range of memories, dragged from the depths of my incoherent mind. The smell of their fear; the smell of the tears they cried as they begged me to stop, to end their pain and let them die.

Taste. My tongue burned with the taste of the blood on my hands. They can't see it when they look at me, but I know it is there; the blood that stained so deep that it causes my bones to ache with remorse; the taste that tantalises my tongue, teasing me, calling me forth to engulf my next victim; the taste of their blood, of their sweet, supple skin beneath my teeth.

Touch. My skin crawled, remembering the way their skin felt against mine as I drained their lives, one by one. I remember the way my hard granite body crushed their soft fragile frame, caressing their skin in a fatal manner that promised only pain. I remember each and every cut I etched into my skin; my confession, my condemnation and my punishment.

Sight. No matter how hard I forced my eye lids against one another, I could still see them. I could see them shaking, cowering in fear. I could see the blood, on my body, my clothing, on the floor. I could see the thick, coagulated fluid all over their skin, in their hair, on my lips. I could see it all, every face, every bite, every pain inflicting action. I could see how I killed them, how I tortured them, how I _enjoyed _it.

Sound. I could hear it all; every word, every plea, every scream for mercy. I could hear the whimper of my victim. I could hear the crying of their loved ones, still searching for them, hoping that they are not too late. I could hear the sounds of pleasure that I felt as I destroyed them, as I exhausted all of their basic rights. I could hear the sound their bones made as they were crushed by my strength. I could hear them all at the same time, deafening me, pushing me further toward the abyss. Pushing me further into the depths of insanity, where I most likely belonged.

But I don't. Oh how insanity would be my reprieve. How I could hide away in its depths, covering my remorse with its dense blanket, enveloping me. I don't even deserve insanity.

I don't deserve death.

I don't deserve life.

I am undeserving of love, of happiness, of light.

I am the darkness, I am the night.

I am the sharp fanged beast from which you cower in fright.

I wear your death on my hands for they are soiled and stained.

I am the beast, that deserves to be pained.

* * *

So what's the verdict? How many of you did I lose?

I hope it was alright, I only had four hours sleep last night before getting up and going to work. Then I came home and have worked on this all afternoon, so if it is all mush, then I apologise.

Also I apologise for the lack of Bella/Alice interaction. Their third encounter was actually supposed to happen in this chapter but then it became longer than I envisioned and I got too tired to continue. So I am terribly sorry for the lack of plot and relationship development at this stage. There is a plot, and a sub plot in fact, and I will eventually get to the romantic side of the story in time. This will be a rather long story I am guessing, so I hope that is alright with you guys.

Tell me what you liked or didn't. Or don't, I don't really mind, I love you all whether you review or not.


	10. Catatonic

**Hey everyone! **

**I am so sorry for taking such a long time to update, life has been rather hectic for me lately! This is just a short chapter and was really hard for me to write, but I have begun working on the next one so it should definately be out much quicker than this one. We're starting to get into the story in the next few chapters so hopefully you will stick with me and keep reading - and perhaps haven't completely forgotten me? **

**This chapter was hard for some reason, I had massive writers block - and for that reason I managed to persuade my good friend Eden Storm to beta it for me. So big thanks to her for working with me on this one! **

* * *

Chapter 8: Catatonic

APOV

"Emmett!" I screamed for my brother from where I lay huddled on the forest floor. I had been here hunting, about to go to where I believed Bella to be from my vision yesterday. I could hear him tearing through the trees, rushing to get to me, understanding my pained cry for help.

"Ali, what's wrong?" He yelled urgently, though he didn't need to, I still would have heard him.

"Emmett I can't hold it all in. Oh god, how can she _feel _all this? Em, it hurts so bad." I sobbed into the dirt, crushed by the pressure of the vision that I just had of Bella. It pained me so much to see her like that, and I wasn't even the one directly feeling the emotions. Still, through the haze of my vision, I could sense how much she was hurting, how much she needed comfort.

"What is it? Did you have a vision? Is it Bella?" He asked urgently, concern thick in his voice as he lowered to the ground, holding me in a protective embrace. I nodded my head in the affirmative, not being able to say the words.

"How long do we have? How far?" He questioned again, gently.

"It's already happened, happening as we speak. If we run we can reach her in a few minutes. Will you help me bring her back?" I pleaded with my 'big' brother as he nodded, likely to have said yes regardless of what my request was.

Emmett and I bolted through the scrub toward where I saw Bella, coiled and compact on the floor. As we ran, my vision flashed through my mind. I barely even noticed the scents of the forest; the fresh cool pine, the heard of deer to my right, the campers about a mile away. None of these things were important; the only thing that held my concentration was her.

And there she was on the cliff's edge, bundled up, looking like a small, helpless child.

"Bella?" I asked softly, not wanting to startle her. She didn't flinch or move a muscle in recognition. She was shaking but didn't move as I walked closer to her.

"Bella sweetie, it's me, Alice." Inch by inch I crept to her side, kneeling beside her. She was a wreck, a writhing heap of a creature in front of me. When she didn't respond, I exchanged a worried look with Emmett who was opening and closing his mouth, hesitant to speak. I nodded gently, showing my support.

"Bella? I'm Emmett, Alice's brother. Do you think you can stand?" He was being so gentle with her, a side not often seen of this usually robust bear of a man. When she didn't respond, he crept forward. We were both weary that her vampiric instincts would kick in and that she would spring to her defence, and in part, I was hoping that they would; that there would be _some _kind of reaction. But there was nothing, no expression, no surprise... nothing.

"Right. Ok... Sweetie I'm going to pick you up now ok? We're going to take you home where you can get some rest." I told her as I moved closer to pick her up, placing one arm around her neck and the other under her knees. I pulled her close, tucking her head into the crook of my neck as I inhaled her mesmerising scent. Not once did she stir. Not once did she shrink away from my touch or wince in distress. She was void of any reaction, and whilst it looked as though I was calm and composed on the surface, a storm was brewing inside of me. The tempest of emotions inside me circled and magnified, begging a multitude of questions.

Was I too late?

What is happening to her?

What can I do?

Will Carlisle have the answers?

What if I had come sooner?

_Have I lost her for good this time?_

As we neared the house, I saw Edward open the front door and walk out, a worried expression on his face as I projected my vision toward him. I carried Bella into the lounge room and placed her gently on the sofa.

_Can you read her? Is she ok? Is she in there somewhere? Edward tell me! _

"Alice... calm down." He asked through clenched teeth.

"I _need _to know, Edward." I knew that this was not his fault, but I just couldn't take it anymore. I needed to know what Bella was thinking, I needed some hint as to how I could help her get out of this dark place.

"Her mind is like no other I have ever read. At one time it is open, the other, completely closed. And when it is open, it is all discombobulated. There is not a single solid thought in her mind right now. I am getting flashes of things but just when I grasp the scene, it changes or stops entirely." His gaze was fixed on my Bella, scrutinisingly.

_So is there something wrong with her? Is she losing her mind? Is that why you can't read her?_

He laughed as I asked him this.

"Most likely not. I would hypothesise that there is a logical explanation for this however at this stage I can't really put my finger on it. It is rather difficult since I do not have much to compare to, not knowing her in her normal state. " He paused. "One thing I can see though Alice is pain... and lots of it... Some of her thoughts, whether memories or not... are rather horrific. Do you know much about her past?" He asked, one eyebrow raised in curiosity.

I shook my head, not having much to really go on myself. "Not a lot, only what I have already told you.. and that she was sired by Aro." I looked up at him from where I sat on the floor, next to the couch that held Bella.

"That may explain a few things then. I can surmise from her thoughts that she was a guard for some time." He nodded, focusing on her thoughts.

At that moment, I sensed other members of my family returning home. I could hear Rosalie's BMW turn off the road and onto our drive way. Three of them were in the car; Rose, Jasper and Esme.

_Great, perhaps Jasper can help.. he might be able to grasp her emotions._

I looked up as the thought ended, to gauge a response from Edward. His face was contorted, his eyebrows pinched together in a tight scowl.

"Believe me, I don't think he will have any issues with that. He can already sense them, I'm reading him now and her emotions are intense, Alice. They are causing him physical pain already and he is not even in close proximity to her yet." He stated with a pained expression. If what Jasper was feeling was causing Edward this much pain, then I couldn't even begin to imagine what Bella was feeling right now.

I was brought out of my thoughts by the door opening as Rose and Esme walked in.

"Alice." Esme fluttered toward me and held me in a tight embrace. "Shhh, she's going to be okay." My mother cooed to me as I fell apart, dry sobbing as my knees buckled and I allowed her to support my weight.

Suddenly an overwhelming calm penetrated my anxiety. I looked up to see Jasper, crouched on the floor in the entrance, Edward hovering over him protectively. I shot him a look of appreciation as our eyes met.

"I need to try and calm her down, Al. But if that doesn't work, then I need to leave, I can't handle this for much longer." He said through gritted teeth.

"I understand, just... do what you can? Please?" He nodded before standing to walk over toward the couch I had placed Bella on. She was still curled in the foetal position, coiled up protectively.

"She feels so much guilt, so much self loathing. She's in a lot of pain, and she is confused.. no.. not confused, more like she is torn, as though there are two opposing sides to her, both battling for control. If she keeps this up, I'm not sure how long it will be till she loses it completely. I'm sorry Alice, I know you don't want to hear that right now." Again, at his words, I broke down and turned toward Esme's loving embrace.

"I'll do what I can to make her feel calm, but perhaps you should all head upstairs, it will likely be strong enough to influence you all also." Jasper said, looking at each of us individually.

"No, I'm not leaving her."

"It's alright Alice. Go upstairs and let Jasper do his work, I will stay down here with him and Bella and we will come get you when it is safe." Carlisles authoritative yet gentle tone of reason surprised me as I had been too distracted to sense his arrival home. At some stage Esme must have called him, knowing that out of all of us, he would be the best one to figure this out and help Bella.

"Thank you Carlisle. And thanks for coming home so soon, I know you have a lot of work to do." I stated meekly as he shook his head.

"It's not a problem at all dear, my family comes first, always." With that, he slowly walked toward Bella and began talking to Jasper.

I couldn't move, my feet were rooted in place as I simply stared at her in her catatonic-like state. She was in pain and there was not a thing that I could do. I felt beyond helpless. After what felt like minutes, I vaguely felt Emmett wrap his arms around me and walk me upstairs to my room where I stayed in silence.

It seemed like days but in truth it was actually six hours that Jasper and Carlisle remained down stairs with Bella. They had called me down once they were finished to briefly update me on her condition before leaving to hunt. She still looked catatonic, in the foetal position staring blankly ahead. However now she was no longer shaking, her features no longer contorted in pain. Carlisle was certain that she would recover from this, only he was unsure as to how long it would take. Eventually, Bella would need to hunt. The longer it took for her to recover, the more she would crave blood and the harder it will be for her to control her thirst.

I sat with Bella for the rest of that day and into the night. My family had given up trying to persuade me to leave her side to rest or hunt. But how could I? How could I possibly rest when Bella was not allowed that same reprieve? How could I possibly hunt when she was sitting here starving.

"You know you won't be any good to her when she comes out of it if you don't keep your strength up." I looked up to see Rosalie walking down the stairs, a soft smile on her lips. I shook my head in response.

"I can't leave her Rose." I protested, but she soon cut me off.

"I know, that's why I'm going to go hunt for you. I know take out is never as good as... eating in, but still, it will keep you fed. Carlisle also suggested we try Bella with some blood, see if we can evoke some kind of response. Besides, a crazy bloodthirsty killer is just what we don't need ruining our rep' in this town." That was Rosalie's way of being nice, yet I couldn't help the glare that her last sentence ensued. And with that, she nodded and left the house.

I couldn't have asked for a more supportive family, even Rose was doing her part to help out. I would need to show them how much I appreciated them once everything was sorted out.


End file.
